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Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Bozo and the Battle for Purity

Fred Davis
Media Coordinator
Christine O'Donnell for Senate

Dear Mr. Davis,

I understand you're trying your best to minimize the damage caused from the Bozo Affair, but we both know that the "temporary Bozo defense" is just too ludicrous to be believed. Perhaps it's time to consider defending Ms O'Donnell by telling the truth: she brags about her father's Bozo period, because it was when he began fighting for the same values she champions today.

Hey, I was a teenager in the seventies. I remember my desperate struggle to remain pure. It wasn't easy, and like many others who fought the same battle, I tried to dampen my urges by painting my little soldier to look like a clown. Being from Utah, I chose to make my Private Johnson a rodeo clown. I called it Bandy, Bandy the Rodeo clown. Apparently, Mr. O'Donnell went another way with his little Bozo. It's less manly, but I'm OK with that. He's a city feller.

Of course, the tactic was doomed from the start--simply sliding the big red wig over the helmet prompted wickedly sinful feelings that quickly morphed into depraved fantasies featuring clown car orgies and balloon animal debauchery.

Eventually, those of us who practiced the Bozo Method found ourselves following the circus and rodeo circuits, searching for others who bore the tell-tale clown makeup marks on their hands. And then...and then, it became something much worse: the big floppy shoe that dares not speak its name.

Yes, the Bozo method was a failure, but damn it, we tried. And that should be Christine's message. She fights masturbation as a tribute to her colorfully-handed father and the rest of us who struggled to remain pure and lost.

That's the real story here. And it's a compelling story. It's the story you need to tell.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.


  1. I think Christine is the Love Child of Dr. Who and Anita Bryant. And when I say love, I mean Lusty Hump Monkey.


  2. Who has not heard of Slappy the Clown?

  3. I think Christine O'Doggystyle would heartily endorse what my Aunt Jane usedta say to her wayward daughters: "A vagina is not a clown car."

  4. General, Sir:

    If a person was to want to remove that "clown paint" from their hands what would be the best thing for that? Please don't say, "cold cream"; tried that, it causes other, um, problems, knowudimean?

  5. City johnsons have no imagination whatsoever.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.