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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Smiting the Lecherous Cows of Wisconsin

Paul Begley
Prophet of the Lord

Dear Prophet Begley,

Congratulations. Time Magazine deems your prophecies to be newsworthy enough to report them. They wrote a whole article, “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?,” about your latest one.

I also receive revelations from the Lord. Indeed, at this very moment, He is commanding me to surrender control of my fingers, so He can add a new chapter to the Book of Revelation.

OK God, my fingers are yours.
Book of Revelation Chapter 23

23:1 The Lord, God of Abraham, spake to His Son, "Go now back unto Earth, even unto Wisconsin, and proclaim thine return."

23:2 "No, Father," replieth Jesus, speaking to Himself that is not Himself, "I canst journey unto Wisconsin, for it is rife with the cattle of the land."

23:3 Thou canst disobey me, for I am Alpha and Omega, the Flooder of Worlds, the Smiter of Nations, the Creator of Sarah," sayeth the Lord.

23:4 "But Father," sayeth Jesus unto Himself, "the Cattle doth vex me with all manner of temptations. They turneth away as I approacheth and showeth unto me their secret parts which are swollen greatly with lustful beckonings."

23:7 "And the teats of their udders compel me to suckle them as if they were a legion of flaccid centurions on shore leave."

23:8 Jesus wept.

23:9 "Jesus Christ!" shouteth the Lord, "Thou shalt maneth up."

23:10 "Good God!" answereth Jesus, "The last time thou tellest me to maneth up, thou deliverethed me into the hands of Romans. They whoopethed mine secret parts greatly and putteth a cap in mine ass."

23:11 Thus sayeth the Lord, "Verily, what thou sayest is true. I shalt make thine journey easier by smiting ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin before thou descendeth."

23:12 And the Lord God of Abraham smote ten score of the wicked cows of Wisconsin.

23:13 Jesus was well pleased.
Well that's it. God returned control of my fingers to me. As you can see, my revelation confirms yours. God smote those lecherous cows.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I wonder if them cows thunk at all? They was bred and brought up to not think. They just thunk themselves out of existance. We dont even want to start on commenting about the people.

  3. Dear God! He's right! I went to visit a abattoir and I found a bunch of rabid Christians (well, i assume they were although they looked too swarthy)killing cows left, right and centre to try and bring on these biblical prophecies. It's only a matter of time before these Godly people kill enough cows suddenly and inexplicably.

    The only problem is that the communisto-pinko-cow-o-islamist-anti-pig-pro-fascisto-lefties have polluted the internets with their lies about science. Searching 'sudden cow death' you'd expect to read nothing but of the end times. No!!! I read about fancy-pants words like 'Bacillary Hemoglobinuria' and 'Anaplasmosis' (They sound foreign - Islamo-arabo?). At least one site blamed the whale-eating Japanese attacking red-blooded American cows with their 'Yews' - whatever they are.

    Look, biblical prophecy is the only logical explanation. What worries me at night is that the lying anti-christians are winning the internets with their lies.

  4. God smote them because they failed to produce the red heifer.

  5. Smote 'em if you got 'em.

  6. And uber-truthful news stories like that are EXACTLY why Time Magazine is doing so well in circulation, while SnoozWeek and others are falling by the wayside. Because people who want to know what's going on in the world turn to news magazines for revelations about Bibbolical Professy instead of going right to the professiot's website.

    What I want to know is, why hasn't Time (or maybe Maclean's, since it's in Canada) published any stories about the dire warnings this bearded, stinky guy in badly stained pants is shouting down at the corner of East Hastings and Main? What are they trying to cover up?!?

  7. Bukko Canukko:

    I don't how many times I've told that fucking guy, East Hastings and Maine is my corner, all four of 'em! Goddamned BatshitKKKrazee fuck!!

    General, Sir:

    Just a word. Y'know that bar-b-que we had a the compound recently? Don't look a gift cow in the paunch manure, if you get my meaning.

  8. Dear, naive Bukko,

    No-one reports the ravings of a lunatic shouting on a street corner. This is the time of the interwebs. If you're bearded, stinky man can't get his message on the intertubes, then he just a sad old lunatic. Begley's ravings are real, respectable & newsworthy because he Youtoobed.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.