WAIT (Why Am I Tempted?) Abstinence Organization
Dear Mrs. Donahue,
Thank you for your work providing abstinence training to teens. It sounds very interesting and informative, especially the part where you tell your students that "if sperm gets anywhere near a girl’s vagina, her vagina will turn into a 'little Hoover vacuum' to suck it up."
I don't know much about vaginas--they're a little too foofooishly girly and frilly for my tastes--but that sounds like one hell of a trick. I'm betting that's how my wife, OfJoshua, got pregnant long after Klinton killed my little soldier. Poor Private Johnson hasn't been able to stand at attention since he heard that Klinton put his little communist inside a lady's mouth. I can't blame the little goldbricker, that's the kind of dirty hippy thing that'd put any patriot off his feed.
Anyway, I've been trying to think of a similar kind of trick our man thingies can do. Other than puppet shows and frog slapping, I can't think of anything that comes even close to that vagina vacuum action.
I can't imaging that God would give vaginas such powers and not bless our little soldiers with an even better trick. It just ain't right. Are you sure you're telling the truth?
Heterosexually yours in a chaste, abstinent, biblically appropriate, and frog slapping kind of way,
General JC Christian, patriot