Texas House of Representatives
Dear Rep. Christian,
In these times when wickedness ravages our nation like Queen Esther's consort assaulting a peephole, I rejoice when I hear a politician speak out for righteousness. It fills me with such great joy, I lose control of my praise arm. It involuntarily snaps up toward the heavens at a perfect 45 degree angle--palm, forearm, and shoulder rigidly aligned in a salute to the one true moral order.
I know I should be thankful that Jesus gave me this joyous praise arm reflex, but sometimes, it breaks things. Last night, it destroyed my computer monitor. You're partially to blame for that. You triggered it with these words:
Well of course this is a war on birth control and abortions and everything, that’s what family planning is supposed to be about.I'm not angry with you. A computer monitor is a small price to pay in order to witness a politician finally speaking the truth about Our Glorious Struggle to Seize the Uterus--it's not simply about abortions; it's also about contraception.
But I'm afraid you're not fighting this war properly. Going after contraceptive providers isn't enough. What about those wicked not-men who demand that their partners complete the act outside of their womb tunnel? What are you going to do with them?
I think I can help. I've developed a bungee-based device that when strapped to a couple, limits the amplitude of a man's secret parts. Put simply, the device stops a mans hips from moving more than and inch and a half, just short of the 1.75 inch distance a normal man requires in order to disengage his little soldier from a not-man's woo woo thing.
All I need from you is as law requiring its use during sex. Texas can lead the way on this. Once you do it, the rest of the states (OK, well, Oklahoma) will surely follow.
I'd be glad to demonstrate it for the proper committee if you could find a not-man willing to do it with me.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. Are we cousins? If so, do you have a sister?