Santorum Proposes Exec Order to Remove Uncertainty in Regard to Sexual Acts

Someone who identifies himself as an "influential staffer within the Santorum campaign" sent me the following internal memo:

From: Rick Santorum
To: Santorum for President State Coordinators
Date: January 3, 2011

Although it's clear that I oppose same-sex relationships, contraception, divorce, and sex for non-procreational purposes, many of you have expressed concern that I haven't issued a statement on what kind of sex meets my approval.

I suspect these expressions of concern may be why so few of you filled out the "Describe your sexual practices in detail" section of your "Personal Campaign Dossier;" well, everyone but that degenerate coordinator from Kansas who resigned to spend more time with that tongue-loving harlot of a second wife and their bastard children.

I suspect many other Americans share your concern. Some may be fearful of supporting me, afraid that they'll be seen as sexual lawbreakers after I win the election. It's important that I act now to allay such concerns.

On Monday, January 9, I will announce my plan to issue my first executive order on the day I am inaugurated. The order will define the official sex act of the United states (OSAUS) as:

An act between a husband and a wife (huband and ofhusband) which is comprised of the following elements:

• Ofhusband on hands and knees.
• Husband behind her in the dominant position favored by alpha hounds.
• Husband putting his Hard Staff of Procreative Righteousness (HSPR) inside his ofhusbands's Vile Nook of Eve's Great Sin (VNEGS).
• Husband should take great care that under no circumstances should the HSPR slip into the wife's Filthy Cave of Eternal Shame (FCES).

All institutions that receive federal funding will be required to certify that their employees, patrons, and clients are in compliance with OSAUS.

Releasing this a full year before the inauguration should give people plenty of time to initiate compliance and resolve any concerns they may have.

Onward to New Hampshire,

Rick Santorum

I like it. I've always felt that the method OfJoshua demands feel a bit too unnatural--I likethe wresting magazines and dixie cups, but it always seemed a little wrong to use a turkey baster.

I'm sure folks like Ben Shapiro will also be relieved that Sen. Santorum is removing the uncertainty that surrounds what constitutes a proper sexual act. After three years, it'll provide him with a justification to finally consummate his marriage.