Where No Dachshund Has Gone Before

Dr. Patrick L. Wooden, Sr.
Upper Room Church of God in Christ
National Organization for Marriage

Dear Pastor Wooden,

As a fellow warrior in the battle against homosexualism, I thought I knew everything there was to know about it. I mean, hey, like you, I think about homosexualist sex every waking and sleeping moment. But after listening to your interview on the Michael Signorile show, I realized that I still have a lot to learn.

Your statements alerted me to homosexualist problems and actions I never dreamed were possible. I was particularly shocked to learn (at about 4:45 in recording):

[Same sex spelunking in the cave of shame] is going to lead a grown man in his 50s or such to wear a diaper or a quote, butt plug, end of quote, just to contain their bowels.

and (at about 8:04):

I've talked about the practice of fisting, where one man takes his fist and puts it into the orifice of the man up to his forearm and in some case up to the armpit.

Although Mr. Signorile disputed your claims--I don't think he's fully committed to the heterosexual lifestyle--I'm convinced you were speaking the truth. I know for a fact that a man can shove a hell of a lot of things up his cave of shame.

Like you, I won't name names or provide other kinds of secular evidence, but there's a guy in my militia who fell on a dachshund, and the damned thing went all the way up his butt. All you could feel if you reached down there was the very tip of his tail.

A dachshund is a pretty damned big thing to have stuffed up your cave of shame. And it hurts like hell even if it's muzzled and has little lubed-up booties covering its claws...uh...or so my militia trooper tells me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Col. Cletis might send you a note if he hears that I wrote you. He's a compulsive liar. Don't believe a god damned word he says. uh, The, uh, guy fell on the dachshund, dammit. And besides, I was drunk, and Sheila, our militia morale ewe, was angry with me.

Elsewhere: Partial transcript of the interview.

Recording of full interview: