A Resolution for the Republican National Convention

As a true patriot and a godfearing patriarch, I'm excitedly waiting for March 3rd to arrive. That's the day when I get to cast my vote for Rick Santorum at the Washington State Republican caucuses.

But that's not I'll be doing. I also plan to be elected to the county Republican caucus and state Republican convention where I'll introduce the following resolution:

WHEREAS: the traditional American family, composed of a righteously authoritarian husband, and a subservient wife and children, thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

WHEREAS: in more recent years, unholy advocates of the twin evils of egalitarianism and rationalism convinced modern not-men that they are their own masters, capable of making their own decisions in regard to their lives and their bodies.

WHEREAS: greedy purveyors of Bradshawian conveyance wear have tempted our not-men to don mobility gear, allowing them to desert the righteous toil of the hearth for the promise of careers and preferred accounts at Chico's.

WHEREAS: wicked man-hating femislamunistfascist-inspired magazines like Cosmopolitan and Tiger Beat have intentionally distorted not-men perceptions of what is considered normal in regard to masculine body proportions.

WHEREAS: every day, millions of lonely ova-Americans die unfulfilled after being chemically or otherwise prevented from consummating their love.

WHEREAS: every day, trillions of spermatazoan-Americans die from head injuries caused by violent collisions with latex.

WHEREAS: our current government, led by an unheartlandishly hued, secretly Amish man, commands insurers to cover contraception but not other medicines and other devices that encourage procreation.

BE IT RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee assist in returning not-men to their proper traditional roles by demanding the prohibition of trade in ladies footwear.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee end the tyranny of the bedroom laugh by demanding that insurance companies provide the wives of traditionally-minded men with coverage for 3-D glasses capable of no less than 5X magnification to be used for procreational purposes.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee recognize that the part of sex when the wife vomits inhibits a traditional husband's willingness to achieve the procreative moment and that the RNC therefore demand that insurance companies provide anti-nausea drug coverage for procreative purposes.

I can't do this alone. There is always the possibility that they won't accept resolutions at the precinct caucuses or that I may not be elected to the county caucus or the state convention. If that happens I need you to propose this or a similar resolution at your caucus or convention.

Yeah, I know what your thinking. The party will probably include planks like this in the platform regardless of whether we act or not. That's likely true, but we shouldn't leave it to chance. Ask yourself, "would Jesus sit quietly, hoping His will would be done?" Heck no, He'd propose the resolution and then miraculously stuff the ballot boxes--just like Karl Rove.

A tip of the ol' helmet to LitBrit for the 3-D glasses idea.