***JESUS' GENERAL EXCLUSIVE***
MUST CREDIT JESUS' GENERAL!!!!!
According to sources close to House GOP leadership, the House and Senate Republican caucuses are scrambling to craft a war resolution after learning that Iran is deploying intrauterine devices (IUDs) against the U.S. "This is the gravest threat our country has faced since the introduction of fluorescent lighting," noted one highly placed Fox News executive. "It's an existential threat. Gosh, I hope we go nuclear," he continued.
Evidence of Iran's IUD ambitions was delivered in a report presented to the caucuses by the CIA and Conference of Catholic Bishops on Friday. The report included intelligence photos of IUD production facilities throughout Iran.
This satellite photo taken in northern Iran appears to show a very large IUD on the grounds of Ghaemshahr Prophylactic Works #2. It is unclear why the Iranians would produce such a large IUD, but reportedly, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is concerned that Iran "has rediscovered ancient Nephilim technology and has launched some kind of unholy 'Goliath' project.
One section of the report describes a secret meeting of Iran's Guardian Council at which President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad detailed his plan to use IUDs to destroy the American Family. "We have Obama and Planned Parenthood working with us," he boasted, "soon, Alabama will be ours."
Following the secret meeting, billboards like this one touting IUDs as the "Fruit of Our Revolution" sprang up in Tehran and Isfahan.
Leaving nothing to chance, the CIA and Catholic Bishops brought Colin Powell in to brief the caucuses. "He set the stage for the last war," noted one highly placed Halliburton lieutenant, "we're hoping he can work his magic again."
Update: The Dallas Morning News has linked to my scoop. I bet the New York Times will ignore it.