Single Not-Men Senators Unqualified to Discuss Contraception

Sen. Michael Baumgartner
Washington State Senate
Candidate for US Senate

Dear Sen. Baumgartner,

Thank you for so eloquently stating what should be obvious to everyone: U.S. Sen. Maria Cantwell is "not qualified to talk on the issue [availability of contraceptives] because she isn't married."

Unmarried women are incapable of understanding the implications of allowing wide-spread, or even any, access to contraception. Without the benefit of a husband's wisdom, it is better that they leave such discussions to Catholic Bishops and others who have greater expertise in sexual matters.

I've got to go now. Ofjoshua is waiting to hear my decision regarding her pap smear.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Now for something completely different.

I know how designers feel when they see their clothes at the Oscars.

Reader Ben sent me the following email:

Dear General,

I was watching this week's episode of Hoarders (chalk it up to weird, totally heterosexual, guilty pleasure TV) when I spotted something that only registered as an indicator in that too-fast-for-consciousness pattern matching part of my brain. I paused and went back and there it was, Republican Jesus on a hoody. I can't make out the text but maybe you can. Or not. In any case I thought you might want to know of a
sighting out in the wild. Two images are attached.

--Ben

I'd have preferred "American Hoggers," but, this is the biggest thing that's happened to me since they printed my name in the phonebook. It's the kind of spontaneous publicity that makes people. I bet it's enough to finally get my name in the Yellow Pages!