Of Flooding and Fetus-Americans

Sen. Rand Paul
US Senate

cc: Steve Munisteri
Chairman
Republican Party of Texas

Dear Sen. Paul,

One of the greatest problems we face as a nation is the failure of bipartisanship. Demislamunistofascists refuse to work with their betters to solve such pressing concerns as uterus regulation, firearm availability, climate improvement, homosexualist criminalization, and the reinstitution of traditional Confederate values. That's the problem with Congress. Nothing gets done, because of the left's stubborn refusal to pass God's legislation.

Today, You attempted to fashion a bipartisan compromise to a flood insurance bill. your solution was simple. You'd support helping flood victims if your vaginally-entranced colleagues would compel women to give birth. It was a masterful attempt at compromise--one that rivals our forefather's agreement to count the unheartlandishly hued as three fifths of a real person in order to pass the Constitution--but, it wasn't enough for the greedy Demislamunistofascists. They refused to compromise, demanding that the flooded be helped simply for the sake of helping the flooded.

We can still win this battle. We just need to split a few socialist congressmen and senators away from their islamoMexican communist comrades. Budget hawks like Rep. Jim Matherson and Sen. Joe Manchin can surely be swayed by little oil money and a flood insurance program based on materials rather than cash.

But we'll have to be careful about what materials we use for the flood help. It can't be cheese or any other useful socialist commodity. Congress should provide the flooded with materials that will help us achieve our other goals.

The dune sagebrush lizard is an example of one such material. The Texas GOP is so desperate to kill them off, they're the only species listed for extermination in their platform. We can send the lizards to flooded areas and require the flooded to lash them together to build rafts. I'm talking large rafts, big enough to confine a woman until she gives birth.

The moment a flood hits, We'll mandate that every pregnant in the country woman grab up an armful of dune sagebrush lizards and head for the flood zone. We'll send the homosexualists too. They can fashion little innertubes out of lizards, and be forced to float past taunting flood victims until they commit themselves to the heterosexual lifestyle.

There might also be a way to work in the Texas GOP's proposed ban on teaching critical thinking in our schools. I just haven't figured that part out yet.

I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot