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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Stewardship and the ladies

Tom Coburn
Coburn for US Senate

Dear Dr. Coburn,

I want to salute you for all you're doing to bring women under the proper patriarchal authority of their fathers, husbands, and brothers. It seems like every time I turn around, your doing good works like calling for the death of abortion providers, sterilizing young women against their will, and your latest act, decrying the rampant lesbianism that is destroying the Great State of Oklahoma.

Until very recently, I didn't believe that the sin of lesbianism actually exists. "After all," I thought, "a woman can't lay with another woman, because God didn't bless them with little soldiers." The other day, however, I learned that ladies have little sailors in boats that can somehow be employed in the performance of deviant sexual acts. I don't know much about it. I'll be damned if I can find my wife's little sailor, let alone her boat.

I asked my neighbor, Captain Bob--he's not really a captain; my wife just calls him that--what he knew about little sailors. He told me that once a little sailor yells, "anchors away," a lady's sex drive goes into high gear.

That made this whole lesbianism thing make sense to me. Ladies, unlike men, would be able to find the little sailor in the boat. They'd know what they're doing in that department. No wonder the lesbian thing is so attractive to them.

Ladies can't be trusted with that kind of power. That must be why God made them subservient to men. We need to properly exercise this stewardship the Lord gave us. I think you could do a lot to help us do this once you're elected to the Senate.

The first step is to find a way to hide a woman's beauty so that men and other women wouldn't be attracted to her. I've designed a modesty dress to do just that. It covers a woman head-to-toe in a drape-like fashion. Nothing shows--no, hands, no eyes, no curves. As a Senator, you could pass legislation mandating that every woman wear a modesty dress when they're out in public.

You could also fund a new police agency--let's call them "Modesty Police"--to enforce the law. Since we're dealing with basic human, if not Satanic, drives, justice should be harsh and swift, otherwise, the law will be impossible to enforce. That's why I suggest that you give these modesty policeman the authority to punish lawbreakers on the spot. Whipping would seem to provide a quick and effective way of making examples of violators.

I know that these ideas may seem a bit extreme to many in our culture, but given the success of your own pronouncements over the last few months, I'm sure you can sell them to the public at large--at least in Oklahoma, anyway.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks to the Ladies Auxiliary Corps for alerting me to the existence of the little sailor and his boat. Now can you tell me where he docks?

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.