It's not a romantic memoir by Rick Santorum

Mayor Kimball W. Brizendine
Friendswood, Texas

Dear Mayor Brizendine,

I almost bought the book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, after you issued a proclamation encouraging "all citizens, teens to seniors" to read it on "Galveston County Reads Day." Assuming that it was a romantic memoir by Sen. Santorum, I thought it might make a nice Valentines Day gift for my wife, Ofjoshua.

Thank God I saw your announcement revoking your proclamation before I picked it up. Ofjoshua's good reputation would have been soiled beyond repair had she read the word that appears on page four. She'd become known as a woman of suspect moral character and our neighbors would likely have shunned her. Doubtless, even poor Mr. Garcia, the lonely, depressed man she compassionately comforts nearly every night, would turn her away when she called.

And they'd be correct in doing so, because the power of that word wreaks havoc on a woman's mind, causing her to enjoy the burden of the procreative process and to actively seek it out. Soon, her wantonness would drive her to interrupt her husband while he's watching NASCAR on the tee vee and thus threaten the foundation upon which the strongest families are built, the patriarch's control of the remote.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot