Cloth trumps speech

Sam Gaskill
Missouri House of Representatives

Dear Rep Gaskill,

Has a hearing been scheduled for your bill allowing patriots to kick the crap out of liberal hippy flag burners? If so, I'd like to testify, because I was arrested for that very thing last summer.

It all started when I read an article in the local newspaper about a flag retirement ceremony the Boy Scouts were holding. I thought it sounded very patriotic--you can't beat the Boy Scouts when it comes to patriotism; it's as sacred as Webelo buggery to them--so I decided to attend.

I arrived late, just in time to see a young Scout, who was obviously some kind of crypto-hippy, lowering our glorious colors into a fire pit. Spying a shovel laying next to the fire, I immediately picked it up and with every last bit of strength I could muster, I swung it, hitting him square in the face. Needless to say, he went down like a Missouri RNC Convention delegate at a New York City disco.

I continued to beat him until I was spent. It was then that I realized that I had lost track of Old Glory in my fury and was now standing on it. Again, overcome with rage, I picked up the shovel and swung it at my own face as hard as I could.

I don't remember much about what happened after that--everything got kind of fuzzy. All I know is that I woke up in the psychiatric section of the jail. That could have been avoided had your bill been in effect.

Let me know when your bill comes up for a hearing. I want to help you any way I can.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to commenter John, Majikthise, and Sisyphus Shrugged.