Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

No wonder he calls it "Hardball"

Chris Matthews

Dear Mr. Matthews,

Your hormones have served us well over the years. They've driven your undisguised hatred for the unattainable Hillary Clinton and fueled your passion for any male Republican who possesses even the most minimal cologne application or crotchal enhancement skills. But now, your hormones are becoming a problem. People are starting to talk about your appreciation of prostitutes, on-air sexual harassment of female colleagues, and the way you salivate whenever you show footage of Romney, Thompson, or Giuliani--it's only a matter of time before video of you becoming visibly aroused at the mention of Sam Brownback's name pops up on YouTube or Crooks and Liars.

You are in danger of losing your credibility. We can't allow that to happen, not with an important election coming up. We need you out there shilling for the GOP.

I think we need to take a little of the edge off of your libido, just leaving you with barely enough to fuel your hatred of Hillary and interest in pleasantly-scented and flatteringly be-packaged GOP candidates. In short, we need to find a way for you to engage in procreational-related activities at least once, but no more than twice, a week.

It'll be tricky. It has to be discreet. Employing prostitutes is out--we can't risk a Vitter problem. It also has to be consensual, a condition that under normal circumstances might be impossible for you to achieve, but thankfully, our Lord Jesus provided us with an opportunity to make it a whole lot easier.

It came with yesterday's tragic announcement of Karl Rove's resignation. While it struck us all very hard, the details of the announcement--Mr. Rove will spend more time with his wife and child--must have been particularly difficult for two people to bear.

The first is lobbyist Karen Johnson, who is rumored to serve in the position of "Second Beard" in Mr. Rove's personal procreational-related activities division. She is probably displeased with her exclusion from the list of people with whom Mr. Rove wants to spend more time, and may be persuaded to fulfill your needs for a few brief moments every week.

Another possibility is Jeff Gannon. He was the second person who was overlooked in the announcement. If the stories of his special relationship with Mr. Rove are true, he may be looking for someone new to call "daddy." Lord knows he's up to satisfying you. After years of witnessing Mr. Rove's flabby flesh rippling and his belly and man-breasts bouncing to a frantic conjugal rhythm, the sound of which serving as a kind of Boschian counterpoint to Karl's calf-like bellows, I think Mr. Gannon's gag reflex must be virtually extinct by now. He'll have no problem servicing you.

I hope you'll give it your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.