The Drill Presses of Temptation

Daphne Beasley
Principal, Price Middle College High

Dear Principal Beasley,

Kudos to you for attempting to address the problem of public displays of affection in our schools. With the exception of the soul-crushing rules preventing our children from worshiping or bearing arms in the classroom, exposure to handholding and kissing is the biggest threat students face in our schools.

Your solution--asking teachers to report suspected couples so you can prominently posts their names on your office wall--is a great first step. It grants the rest of the student body an opportunity to join in the war against love by providing them with the means to implement traditional methods of expressing social disapproval (gossip, teasing, etc).

More importantly, as I'm sure you learned when you used your list to out a homosexual couple, your solution subtly invites your more heterovangelically inclined students to employ the counseling method most preferred by the American Family Association: repeated applications of the heavy steel-toed boots of peer pressure.

But I have to ask you, what about those who engage in semi-public displays of auto-affection? I'm talking about the guy who gets a little bit too excited sitting next to the cheerleader in homeroom and then runs to the restroom to rub a quick one off before second period and the guy in metal shop whose tensile strength steadily increases as he watches the drill press going slowly going up and down and he's hears the blurp blurp blurp of lubrication oil being dispensed on the hot bit's face? You know in five minutes he'll be hiding himself in a welding booth, his hand in his coveralls frenetically attempting to apply enough flux to properly puddle his bead.

What are you doing about those guys? Are you posting lists of suspected masturbaters on your bulletin boards? Are your bulletin boards even large enough to do that?

I hope you're giving it some thought.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot