Lenny the Shark has many, many friends

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

It was almost a month ago when I first sent you an email lauding your ability to determine the sexuality of cartoon characters. As you may recall, I was very impressed by your outing of Lenny, the effeminate, alienated, vegetarian shark from the movie, A Shark's Tale. It was an amazing feat, but somehow, you've managed to top it.

I'm talking about your recent claim that eight of children's television's greatest stars are recruiting our little ones into the homosexual lifestyle. I guess it doesn't surprise me. We've all heard the rumors about Spongebob Squarepants, and I'm told that Dora the Explorer is bilingual. Of course Arthur likes to read, Barney would rather hug a Muslim than kill him, and Clifford the Big Red Dog prances around his neighborhood naked. They're all obviously friends of Dorothy.

Big Bird has always been my own personal morality nemesis. I try to resist his charms, but there's something about his long thin neck, big round breast, and powerful feet that compels me to tuck my little soldier up behind my grenades and do a little hokey-pokey dance. I know it's wrong, but Big Bird's mojo is just too strong. You are certainly correct in putting him on your list.

The one I don't understand is Bob the Builder. How did he make the list? For heaven's sake, the man operates heavy equipment. He's the very definition of heterosexual masculinity. Heck, he's so manly, he could be one of the Village People.

In any event, I fully support your efforts to stop the forces of homosexuality from distributing the "pro-tolerance" video featuring these characters. The last thing our children need to learn is tolerance. It hasn't prevented a single child from becoming a homosexual. That's a job for the steel toed boots of peer pressure. Sometimes, you have to severely beat a kid to save him. I know we're not supposed to say it out loud like that, but I heard your interview with Sam Seder on The Majority Report a few weeks back, and I know you agree with me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note: This is my third letter to Ed. My first one is here and his reply and my second email are here.

Update: Ed responds, again.