Heart of Darkness (Never Get Out of the Pinto)

The drive following The Great Rebuke was pure Hell. Rep. Bachmann cried for hours as she called pastor after pastor, searching for one who would say Plan B was a contraceptive and not an abortifacient. Her sobbing was even more nerve-rattling than the long rambling word salads she muttered over the first few days.

Everyone was on edge. Malkin wasn't waiting for rest stops to find victims anymore--she was biting us. Rep. McHenry couldn't shut up about what he saw as the distinction between heterosexuals and homosexuals. "It's OK to taste a guy's man-sausage if you're straight," he declared repeatedly, "doesn't mean your gay; no it doesn't, so fuck you...yes fuck all of you...mmmm"

The cramped quarters added to the tension. A Ford Pinto isn't made to hold five adults. That's especially true if one of them is plagued with gas. Jonah Goldberg's Mountain Dew and Cheetos diet played havoc with his gut. He was constantly farting. And the smell, oh God, the smell--methane with a sickeningly sweet hint of Cheetos--was unbearable.

But we had a mission to complete, so I endured it all, distracting myself by thinking about McCain. We were getting close now. I could feel it. The smiles on those we passed were more toothless than before. We were seeing more Waffle Houses than Starbucks now. Our mission was coming to an end.

"I want some fucking beef jerky," Mrs. Malkin shouted suddenly, "I want it now!" Her outburst startled every one. Bachmann started crying louder. McHenry looked over at me and began masturbating furiously. Goldberg farted. I needed to get out of the car.

"God damn it, Jonah," I shouted, "pull into that Shell station." Jonah complied, and Mrs. Malkin and I entered the store. I made a beeline to the beer cooler. I needed a drink.

I had just grabbed a big can of Keystone when suddenly I heard a series of screams. Turning around, I saw Malkin throwing everything in reach at the counter clerk. "What is wrong," I yelled as she clocked the clerk with a bottle of Planters peanuts. He immediately dropped limp to the floor.

Fearing she had compromised our mission by killing a counter clerk, I grabbed her by the arm and drug her to the car.

"Goddamngoddamngoddangoddam," she cried as Jonah got us the hell out of there. "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfickin brown, fuckin brown, fucking brown people in the store," she continued, "fucking brown people...never get out of the Pinto...never get out of the fucking  Pinto...fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

Tomorrow: The Horror

Heart of Dorkness Index
1. Prologue
2. The Mission
3. I Love the Smell of Vaseline in the Morning
4. Never Get Out of the Pinto
5. The Horror