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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Men with huge forearms holding long, hard, rigid shafts of steel

These illustrations from the Book of Mormon serve as a testament to the Mormon Church's commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle. Imagine, what effect such images must have on young LDS boys as they grow into manhood. It is no wonder that they become such strong warriors for heterosexuality in adulthood.

Doesn't Captain Moroni look very butch standing there holding the Banner of Heterosexual Supremacy upon which is written, "Give up your gold to buy murals defending love segregation in the Land of Zarahemla." The men below him seem to be extremely excited, perhaps even turgidly so, as they point 24 inches of long, hard steel at his Globes of Manly Secretions.

Here Ammon defends his concubines from an evil man wielding a stout and firm rod.

Two thousand "stripling warriors" march into battle wearing their Mighty Codpieces of Rigidity.

Nephi's Popeye-like forearms were so powerful, he could forge steel in one hand while kicking his brothers' asses with the other. Sure, he might look like Sly Stallone, but he whoops ass like Chuck Norris. And, uh, he's wearing a kind of kilt--it's not a skirt.

Lehi might have liked to decorate his tent with fancy gold baubles, but by God, they were heavy gold baubles that cold be used to smash a man's skull.

King Noah had the greatest forearms in all the land. They struck fear into the hearts of all who saw them. Here, Abinadi pleads with the king to spare him the indignity of violating the guy bent over behind him.

Samuel the cabin boy was so proud of his forearms he laid them out on the ship railing all day long hoping someone might compare them favorably to Nephi's.

I bet Orson Scott Card has huge forearms like that.


  1. I was always curious, if you say your gay, will they let you visit and tour their temple in Salt Lake without some kind of intervention or will they turn you away? Or is this another case of don't ask don't tell? Maybe their scientists have put up a Gaydar at the entrance and just quietly keep you under surveillence..than wash everything you touched after you left.

  2. General, Sir:

    I was going to write this sooner but I had to leave for a few minutes after I looked at allathem pitchers.

    Them must all be oldtimey LSD'ers. All the ones who to my house look like Manute Bol in whiteface. Maybe they get some size to 'em, after they settle down to a life of making babies and eating lime jello mold, but it sure ain't happenin' here.

    (Just a quick question, Sir. Howcome there are no Moron precision pedalling teams. I mean those fuckers are the schizzle when it comes to two wheelin, especially when you're carrying a briefcase.)

    Sir, I think from now on I'm just gonna call those LSD'ers, "MIB&White--Shortsleeves Division.

    P.S. Six, make that, eight times "Internet Explorer cannot display this page" kicked off to reconnect. Do I get a prize at some point?

  3. If it's not plaid, it's not a kilt.

  4. Joey (Smith), do you like movies about Gladiators?

  5. Actually, I must raise my sword in defense of the lay Mormons, or anyone who has been indoctrinated (and even "endocrinated") into a religion that tells lies (i.e., pretty much all of them)...

    In almost all religions, there are a full spectrum of adherents, ranging from almost complete apostasy to rigid fundies...and it is the latter that cause all the trouble.

    Interestingly, the more non-ignorant the adherent is, the less fundamentalist they tend to be.

    I have a good friend/ex-boss who happens to be Mormon, but I don't think he's much into the alternate history espoused by said religion. (Or any religion.) In other words, he's not a literalist.

    [ Though, I guess I should mention he is a Glenn Beck fan, it has seemed to me that he disagrees with Beck when the latter acts like a screaming weenie.

    And even if we doubt Beck's sincerity when he does so, he does "say the right thing" from time to time, such as advocating non-violent protest in the manner of Gandhi and MLK.

    But I digress. ]

    Then there was my old almost girlfriend, who was raised Mormon...a few years ago, she told my pastor that she was a "recovering Mormon", and he said, "that's okay, I'm a recovering Catholic." Funny to hear that come from a Catholic priest...

    So hearing his courageous words helped this one realize that there _is_ that
    wide spectrum of religious belief in any religion... AND at all levels of their hierarchies.

    There was another time, when the gentleman said -- in a _sermon_ -- "the stars do not always shine on the
    Vatican." (If Bill Donahue had been in the audience when he said that, I fear we'd have had to put him in 5-point restraints.)

    But, this was probably the best way for the man to carry out his pastoral mission. Men and women of conscience know the guy is is my Mormon friend...and as are plenty of Mormons.

    In summary: religion is a funny thing...and some religious detractors are more "literalist" than the religious adherents.

    Indeed, if you were to bring up one of hundreds of Bible contradictions to a mainstream theologian, she would most likely roll her eyes, pat you on the head, and offer to buy you an ice cream cone.

    Take care,

  6. Religion is a dish best served by super manly forearms.


  7. Anne J:

    He kilt it himself.

  8. Anonymous4:10 PM

    Who knew that the Book of Mormon was by the same author as "300"?

  9. Vallor:

    Religion is the next to the last refuge of scoundrels. IF there was such a place as hell, fundies and fundie appeasing legislators would be the ones that the adulterers, murderers and crack whores would be moved to pity.

    Well intentioned folks that keep their fantasies to themselves and other consenting adults? Them I got no problem with; unfortunately that is not the bulk of them.

    General, Sir:

    I knowed some guys who worked for that ice cream company, Briggs and Stratton, no, Bring'em Young, nah; oh, yeah, Baskin & Robbins. They got these "dippin muscles" on their forearms. But I think the only way to get forearms like those guys in the pitchers have is by choking chickens.

  10. Do you have an old copy of the Book of Mormon, or have they reinstated the picture of Captain Moroni raising the Standard of Liberty? I always wondered whether the discreet disappearance of that illustration had anything to do with the strong resemblance of the characters on Moroni's flag to the "ancient inscriptions" Joseph Smith supposedly translated from the Kinderhook Plates.

  11. There's been a lot of talk about special Mormoon underpants, but what I want to know is -- when did the Moormans finally invent SHIRTS?

  12. Teresa Nielsen Hayden:

    Thanks for the link to the Kinderhook Plates ( I thought that it was a pattern that Syracuse China used to make; man, do I have egg all over my face!). I liked this part most exspeshully.

    "The story of finding the Kinderhook Plates and drawings of the six Kinderhook Plates was also published in the Times and Seasons which was the Church's official newspaper. Joseph Smith was an editor for the Times and Seasons. He surely would not have allowed the story to be printed if it wasn't true."

    Because as we all know, Morons in general, and prophets in particular, cannot lie, ever, in even the smallest "white lie" sortaway. Somebody better tell Mittunswillard Romney, STAT!!

  13. I have some Mormon relatives and have been in several Mormon homes. Perhaps someone could explain to me why so many Mormons have this really bad religious art in their living rooms. It's pretty ubiquitous.

    What's up with that? Can't you be Mormon and not have cheesy pictures of Jesus preaching to the Native Americans everywhere?

  14. when did the Moormans finally invent SHIRTS

    About the same time they decided having a squirrel tail on your chin was fashionable. Betcha OSC's bobs up and down as he flexes his huge forearms.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.