Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Running of the Gays

Scott Beck
President & Chief Executive Officer
Salt Lake Convention & Visitors Bureau

President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear Presidents Beck and Monson

We all knew it had to happen sooner or later. Heck, I'm actually surprised it took this long for the Church to revise its promise not to clamp down on unapproved speech on the block of prime real estate the city gave the Church for a song. But now it's happened. The Church Security Apparatus roughed up and arrested a pair of love criminals for the offense of holding hands and cheek pecking.

So where does it go from here? The gay and their allies have already held one kiss-in. No doubt there will be many others in the future. How are you going to stop them, water hoses and attack dogs? That ain't going to help tourism.

Let's all take a deep breath and try to look at it objectively. It's a problem of geography, really. The Church's pedestrian mall, the Main Street Plaza, is roughly sandwiched between the Avenues and the Gallivan Center. Think about that for a minute. It's a recipe for disaster.

The Gallivan center is a kind of artsy place with outdoor concerts, art shows, theater etc--just the types of things that attract the gay. The Avenues is a part of the city where Bob and Steve or Molly and Patty can find a grand old house to fix up and decorate. It's like a magnet for the gay. And then there's Temple Square and Main Street Plaza serving as a kind of the gay freeway between the two.

You're not going to change that without moving the Gallivan Center or the Avenues, and let's be realistic, that ain't going to happen. So maybe it would be better to turn the whole thing to your advantage.

President Kimball, let's be frank. Asking 19 and 20 year old men to forsake women and pair up and live in far away places to serve on missions is perhaps not the best way encourage heterosexuality. I mean, hey, is there anyone hornier than a 20 year old guy? You deny him the companionship of ladies and lock him in a room with another young guy and you're just asking them to slip each other the ol' urim and thummim.

Wouldn't it be great if you could test them before you sent them into the mission field? Well, Main Street Plaza is the perfect place to do just that. Think about it. Homosexuality's siren song is strong. They have that homomojo thing they do with their manly bulges that's nearly impossible to resist. That's why you've poured millions into the fight against the gay marriage. Why not test your prospective missionaries by having them line up on both sides of Main Street Plaza to observe the migration of the gay between the Gallivan Center and the Avenues. You're bound to find a few of the weaker ones succumbing to the siren song and attempting to do "the beast with two backs" right there with one of the pedestrians. Then it's just a matter of hauling him off to BYU for a little aversion therapy.

And Mr. Beck, I hope you're seeing the tourism possibilities here. This could become a huge attraction. Set up a few loudspeakers playing a driving techno beat as Orson Scott Card does a dramatic reading from his "call to war against marriage equality" and you've got one heck of a recurring event. All it needs is a great name.

I'm thinking, "The Running of the Gays."

What do you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    I know that as an adhesive of the GC(Cubed)R, I should be down with this whole LDS thing, but I just can't be. I'm sorry.

    See, it's their "tree topper" the "Angel I Moron"; he's BLOWING A HORN, for fuck's sake? And wearing what, a fucking caftan? Jumpin Jesus in a polka-dot pinafore, wtf is up wit dat? NOW, if he was a manly manangel he would be playing a geetar (Yo, a fuckin' "strat", dude, not some pussified Ibanez or some such thing) and he would be dressed like a real man, in chaps (no trou), a Versace Tee and a leather biker jacket and um, oh yeah, oneathem neat little caps that bikers like to wear.

    I was gonna put in the whole wikipedia entry, but it's too ginormous; I'm just putting in the first line under the header:

    "For the Deep Purple member see Glenn Hughes".

    I think that pretty much says it all.

    The only problem I foresee in all of this is learning a dance routine and figuring out how to "L-D-S" like teh GAY do "Y-M-C-A".

  2. Is Scott Beck related to Glenn Beck?

    That could explain a lot.

    The other matter is to rehash what everybody with half a brain knows: folks who consider homosexuality a "great temptation to sin" really need to examine their own orientations, if you get my drift.

  3. Just as in Pamplona, men will be gored.

  4. come to think of it, they have spent a lot of money trying to crush gay marriage. An excessive amount, really.


    methinks they doth protest too much.

  5. Anne Johnson:

    Yes, but I don't think that the men in Pamplona make so much of a fuss about it (or secretly enjoy it!).

  6. Does this mean that gays could beat on young Mormons with rolled up newspaper like the runners do to the bulls in Pamplona? I'd pay to see that.

  7. I thought LDS had something to do with dyslexics taking acid...actually, I still think that way.


  8. What makes you think that the brave scairty guards who cuffed the offending sodomites weren't doing exactly what you said? They COULD be secret missionaries on homosecurity patrol. You wouldn't want to TELL teh gayz that was happening, because it might frighten them away from the plaza and make them harder to catch. Just like the po-leece don't announce to kerb-crawlers where they're going to pose as prossies, or they wouldn't be able to embarrass as many johns.

    In fact, if I was an elder on the LSD, I'd put strapping young men suspected of pinkish tendencies on that patrol duty, just to watch if they showed enough diligence in busting the eeeeevil ones. I'd make a joke about body cavity searches here, but perhaps that's been covered in previous comments about this hot topic. I don't know, because I've been on holiday to Hawaii and the mainland U.S. and Vancouver, B.C. (got a job there so we'll be immigrating later this year) and I haven't been following the news. Curse these Aussies, who give me 6 weeks' time off each year and expect me to use it! Gets in the way of blog reading.

    P.S. Demo -- the only real instrument for a manly angel to play is the harp. If you look at it right, it's shaped kinda like the female anatomy. And the plucking motions with the fingers might be mighty exciting to wimmens. Except angels are too pure to ever do that, of course.

  9. I've been to the Salt Lake many times (anybody who says you can't get drunk there isn't trying; go to the Dead Goat for crying out loud) and have only been accosted by the gay 20-30 times. I once had a cabbie who told me he was related to Brigham Young. "But," he added, "Who out here isn't?"

  10. Richard:

    So what you're saying is that if everybody is related to the Prophet Young then he must have had teh GAY genes in his little milk whales? Ewwwwwwwwww.

    General, Sir:

    WTF is with the wrist bands?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.