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Monday, August 10, 2009

The mystery of the beard

Brian Thomas, M.S.
Institute for Creation Research

Dear Mr. Thomas,

I've always wondered why God gave men facial hair. I figured He was trying to help us avoid temptation by providing us with a means of hiding our lips from each other, but that didn't make much sense. Some men have very thin facial hair that doesn't hide the lips at all. And of course the thought of a big hairy cop mustache tickling away like carbon deposits on a V-8's pistons is a big temptation in itself, isn't it.

I knew someone in the Christ-based science community must have an explanation for this mystery of the beard, and now I've found it. Your article in Acts and Facts answered all my questions:
[I]f everything was created by a God who exists outside the physical world, there is a ready answer, one with broad application: beards present a certain appearance. Aesthetic features were emplaced by Someone who knew how things look in addition to how things work. Beards do not confer any selectable survival advantage to humankind, but they do serve to add distinction to men, perhaps as different features distinguish women.

It would be consistent to think that it simply pleased the Creator to outfit humans and other creatures with certain visually appealing characteristics. "But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him" (1 Corinthians 15:38)...

In addition to this, and by His grace, God provided humans with the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty, distinguishing it from ugliness. Only with this ability can people give God proper credit for inventing human beards, lion manes, peacock feathers, salamander spots, crustacean coloration, ultraviolet color patterns in deep sea fish (where there is no ultraviolet light), and the hot-pink spiny dragon millipede discovered in Greater Mekong. All these creatures could conceivably serve their purposes and be ugly, but instead they seem to have been uniquely adorned by a Master Artist.
So that's the answer. God gave us beards for two reasons. First, they serve as a visual clue so we don't confuse men with women; and second, because God digs beards.

I suppose that also explains back hair and all the other hair I have growing on my ears, arms, and taint. Ofjoshua really hates that last one. It's like a forest down there and the hairs are very long. She's always taunting me about it, saying I'm long everywhere but where it counts.

But now, I have a response. God loves my taint hair. He thinks it's beautiful.

I think I'll braid it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Sarvesh, I think you missed the point. If God wanted you to wear beads he would have adorned you with beads, WTF?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. These are truly the words of someone who knows God. I can tell by how excited i got reading about the hot-pink spiny dragon from the mekong. I mean, what red blooded man wouldn't?

    I have been so excited, i could barely spell in my last comment!

  5. General, Sir:

    Thanks for pointing out that GOD likes beards.

    If this:

    says anything, it says "GOD loves red, white and blue faces and a bright red rump, especially in his male MANDRILLS. Mandrills, what the heck kind of name is that, it sounds like teh GAY of the monkey kingdome to me. Fortunately, as has been patiently explained to me many times by my bible'n'gun totin pals--we ain't related to monkeys so we can't get diseases like teh GAY or AIDS (Good thing too, if you've ever been to one of those after hours Scoutmaster meetings)

    Sir, was Sarah the Impalinator maybe sub-vocalizing and really saying "(Man)Drill. baby, (Man)Drill!"?

  6. General, Sir:

    Two things, real quicklike.

    1.) If you want to get rid of your nose, ear and taint hair (it's a lot simpler than braiding), you can borrow my "groomer" ( Just make sure that you aren't using any petroleum based lubricants of any sort prior to employing the groomer. I mean, you torch your man hair and it's got something like vaseline on it? can you say "Great Balls of Fire!", Boy Howdy!!

    C.) That Roseydesouza is kinda a one note song.

  7. I had a hirstute outdoorsman friend when I lived in the Great North Woods of Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He said that beards were to keep you alive for an extra day or two when you were lost in the forest and ran out of food. You shoulda seen the bits of scrambled egg, ketchup and freedom fries with gravy he could pull outta his!

    No, I was never tempted to share. But then again, we were never lost in the woods together...

  8. Therefore, ugly people were created seperately by Satan. It's obvious when you think about it.

  9. Gen’rul, sir:

    When I was on the high school swim team, they had a saying about our workouts: “Doing it right puts hair on your chest. Cheating puts hair on your ass.”

    Why they were so concerned with ass-hair, I’ll never know.

  10. Why they were so concerned with ass-hair, I’ll never know.

    My arse-hair always used to chafe under my budgie-smugglers (Oz-speak for "Speedos"). Of course, that was in the olden days when "Brazilian" meant someone who lived in Brazil...

  11. Bill the Splut:

    I've not seen your blognomen at this here blog afore. We, the regular adhorrents of the General, always prefer to like the cut of a man's jib, before we dislike it (I know some religions frown on jib cutting, but that's their problem). Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that I have no idea what, exactly, a "splut" might be, but as long it won't clog up the scuppers or overflow the gurrybutts (nothing at all like counsellor von Ebers' "furry butts"), welcome aboard.

  12. General, Sir,
    I follow this rationale of having facial hair or not (in a non-chafing sort of way), but as of late, I've had several new strays jutting out of my left ear, Sir. Even after plucking roots and all, the appear again - growth rates approaching that of century plants, or zucchini in August. Not that my man-esteem has ever been a question, I just wonder why just the left ear; why now?

  13. Isn't "splut" the sound that's made by a Wall Street banker's head after angry citizens, who have been holding him upside down outside a 47th-floor window, lose their grip on his Gucci loafers and he arrows into the pavement? It's not usually heard without special slow-speed sound differentiating filtres because it's drowned out by the sounds of the banker's screaming and the "gwunch" that quickly follows as the rest of his body compacts into the concrete.

  14. I glued a wig to my anus and taught it to pole dance. Her club name is Oona, and she sneezes if you wipe her brow.

    Just sharing.


  15. Bukko in Australia:

    Thank you for that explanation. I am hearing Steely Dan's, "Black Friday" in my musical hindbrain.

    Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Some things, actually, are over the line. I will never be able to watch the gals at "Feelin' Good Gents' Club (don't forget the "all you can eat" buffet on thursdays!) with quite the same degree of pleasure as I had hithertofore.


    It has to do with which hand you run the flag up the pole (if my experience counts for anything).

  16. Anonymous2:23 PM

    So, does God not like Injuns, with their generally less-hairy faces and bodies? Oh, He gave them the long thick straight black hair, but that must have been to make sure he didn't mistake them for all the frizzy or bald-headed White Men when He gave us The New World to be a Christian Nation.

    Wonder what God meant when He made Bearded Ladies?

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  18. Anonymous6:10 PM




    ha ha ha ha...unevolved cretins.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.