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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The War on Rosh Hashanah

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal
American Family Association

Dear Mr. Vitagliano

I've always loved the idea of your Values Voters Summit, but have been a little suspicious about what those values are, specifically. My concern ended, yesterday, when I learned you're holding the conference on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.

Rosh Hashanah is one of the holiest celebrations on the Jewish calendar. It's a day when Jews are supposed to do nothing but attend the synagogue and rest at home. By scheduling your conference for that day, you ensured that no religious Jews will attend. It will be a purely Christian conference for a purely Christian nation.

No doubt, this is your opening shot in the War on Rosh Hashanah. The time is ripe for it. We're finally winning the War on Christmas. "Happy Holidays" has been replaced with "Merry Christmas" at all the better discount retailers. I think we're finally ready to launch an assault on all the unJesused's holidays.

I did my part today. I called Adelman's Kosher Deli in Brooklyn to get some mail-order corned beef. The clerk wished me "happy new year" at the end of the process. I responded by screaming, "Frig you, you friggin' mother frigger! I celebrate the American New Year. If January 1st was friggin' good enough for Our Lord, Jesus, it's friggin' good enough for me." Then I told him to kiss my ass and slammed down the phone.

It felt very good, very teabaggy. I hate to admit it, but I was so hyped up afterwards, I went straight out and bought another inflatable vinyl shark so I could work off all that energy.

You don't think the Adelman's guy will spit in my corned beef do you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. Ah ha! A reverse conspiracy, 'cause this time it ain't authored by the Jews (though the Masons may still be playing a part...).

  2. ’Course you know the Papists used to call January 1 the (ahem) “Feast of the Circumcision.”

    Try to wrap your head around that international conspiracy!

  3. And all this time I thought it was Circumcisions.

  4. General, Sir:

    I'm purty sure that feller at Adelman's won't SPIT in your sammich.

  5. A good Rosh Hashanah to all! Many mitzvahs to all!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.