The great white shark of iniquity

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano

I thought there was something funny about the movie, A Shark's Tale. After reading your review, I now know why I found this film so disturbing--Lenny The Shark is a homosexual.

I can't believe that I didn't spot it right away. It's so obvious to me now; I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't have needed you to point out that he's effeminate, alienated, and a vegetarian. It was all there for me to see if only I'd been a bit more perceptive.

Beyond those obvious clues, I should have been tipped off by my own reactions to it: the way I kept touching myself throughout the film; how I bought an inflatable shark afterward and violated it repeatedly until it was little more than a sticky, shredded, sheet of vinyl; and the erotic dreams featuring a naked, sweaty, randy Dick Cheney wielding his mighty eel of domination and forcing me to commit acts so depraved I dare not describe them here. Certainly, the movie worked a satanic magic, a homo mojo if you will, over those who saw it.

I wouldn't feel so bad about missing these clues if I didn't take a lot of pride in my ability to find subliminal homosexual persuaders. I, like you, see them just about everywhere in our culture--I've spotted them in everything from television shows like The Brady Bunch to everyday objects like plastic patio furniture.

You may even be familiar with my deconstruction of Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop. It's an age old story. Mr. Brown goes out of town without his wife and comes back with Mr. Black, an Amish man who is obviously a flaming homosexual.

You'd think that if I could break Seuss's code, I'd be able to spot a Disney attempt. Perhaps God it trying to teach me something about humility.

Well, keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot