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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Celebrating Freedom With Drunken Gunplay

Philip Van Cleave
Virginia Citizens Defense League

Dear Mr Van Cleave,

I feel naked without my guns. I take them work,to church, to the market, to dinner and a picture show, dancing, hot tubbing, motels, and to various animal husbandry events. But until I learned about your proposal, I never dreamed that I'd be able to pack heat when I go out to get all liquored up. Thank you.

It's about time someone fought for our right to be armed in bars, taverns, saloons, and cabarets--especially the cabarets; guys are always putting their little soldiers in my mouth in those places. Now, they'll think twice about it.

Lord knows our founding fathers exercised their right to bear arms while loaded. At least, I'm pretty sure Aaron Burr did. He was always packing. It stopped people from arguing with him about who bought the last pint, who had the fastest horse, his chances of bedding Betsy Ross, or the need for a central bank and a common currency. Heck, I bet he was liquored up to the gills when he shot that rotten, big-government-loving, federalist bastard, Alexander Hamilton.

I doubt Obama approves of drunken gunplay--God damned elitist foreign Muslim anti-Christ commie.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Your name sounds kind of foreign, like a Mexican's name. Do you have documents proving your citizenship?


  1. Anonymous1:45 AM

    Sounds like you didn't read my comments all the way through. Currently in VA police on and off duty and prosecutors on and off duty can drink and carry concealed, while citizens cannot. The proposal was for the General Assembly to decide one way or the other - everybody who can carry concealed can be trusted to drink responsibly if they choose or NO ONE can be trusted to do so. All we are asking is that there not be two classes of citizens - those who get a paycheck from the government and those who don't.

  2. That's awesome, Philip! It's like with doctors: everyone should be entrusted with a scalpel, not just those fancy hippocratic types. And if someone does elective surgery on you, why shouldn't they be drunk too? See, your asserted intent is to treat everyone equally in old Virginny, so by gum, go for it! Why should the police and fire/paramedics be the only ones to answer 911 calls? I say let everyone get liquored up and go for it!

    Honestly, your goal of making everyone equally armed lest some uppity government type have an unfair advantage on you while you suck down a Harvey Wallbanger is, uh, well, your goal is noble and bullet-proof. Sort of.

    (Aw, heck, I lost my train of thought. Better I have another shot of Jack and some more hollow points, barkeep! It's going to be a bumpy night.)


  3. General Sir, please don't cast aspirins on Mr. Van Cleave's name. His name is quite similar to that most manly of men, Mr. Lee "Angel Eyes" Van Cleef.

    How much more patriotically masculine can you get than torturing the Ugly Mexican for information, then partnering with the Good blond American to go steal the gold?

  4. General, Sir,

    Thank heavens there's a border between us. You have no idea how much of the 'ick' factor these gun lunatics cause.

    Us rotten, pinko bastards to the north of you even have the health care professionals arguing to keep our long gun registry because rifles and shotguns are the biggest problem for impulsive suicides IN SMALL COMMUNITIES. Go figure...

  5. This proposed new law is sissy-baby stuff. If people are allowed to carry guns, but they can't display them, then who's to know who's law-abiding and who's a weak, unarmed bullytarget?

    It should be the law in Virginia -- hell, everywhere! -- that people should be allowed to walk around with guns POINTED at people. I've always wanted to be able to stick a gun in the face of the clerk at McDonald's -- that would make sure they didn't screw up my order.

    There would be no trouble with a point-and-carry law as long as the guns didn't go off. Since America is a law-abiding society, that would NEVER happen. Of course, it would also be a great way to thwart the criminals that are everywhere.

    Remember, if everybody had a gun, nobody would ever get shot, because everybody would have a gun.

  6. The gun shop my my house gives you a pint of whiskey with the purchase of any firearm, or at least they used to.

    Now they're a blood bank, but they still give you a pint of whiskey with every visit.

  7. Anonymous5:41 PM

    I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around your position. So you are OK with police officers and prosecutors on or off duty carrying concealed and drinking, but go off the deep end if a concealed handgun permit holder is allowed to also? I think you are still not understanding - it's not really that complicated. If the General Assembly bans drinking for police and prosecutors, then we are OK with permit holders not being able to drink.

  8. My right to guns and Goldschläger shall not be infringed. And thanks to The General's hard work, it won't be. Praise White Jesus!

  9. Phil:

    Sounds like you're just pissed off that the jackbooted thugs of the Obamastasi can get all likkered up on the job--and while packing--but you can't--at least not the packing part. I know what you mean though. There's lots of times when I see the bartender is shortshotting me and I think, "Well, did be put a "six pour" in there, or was it a "five". You know, in allathis excitement I kinda lost count. So what's it gonna be barkeep, was it six or was it five? Well, you feelin' lucky Budweiser-for-brains? Well, punk are ya?". Oh, shit, where was I? Oh, yeah.

    I got a better idea, Phil. Become a cop, then you can get hammered AND drop the hammer on some bad perps, specially if you only had two or six "car bombs" and they were mainlining the "Rasputins" (two parts Jaeger, three parts Stoli, 1 part borscht; garnish with cucumber slices and a few smashed up Vicodins). I mean would that be cool or what? You get the uniform, the shiny badge, the g-ride with the AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAH horn AND you can tie one on while strapped! Win-win.

    Hey, what's that madgap governor of yours gonna do next? repeal the 13th Amendment.

  10. Phil,
    Part of it is the false equivalency. Trained professional and drunk yahoo are not the same, and thus there is no need to have the same rules.

    Another part is the sheer idiocy of the actual suggestion on it's own. Why is god's name would you be avocating drinking with firearms? Perhaps you'd also recommend drinking and driving too? Its as equally stupid.

  11. Driving with guns! Hell yeah! It's my right to drive with a big ugly gun RIGHT THERE IN MY HAND so I can wave it at any mothertrucker who cuts me off. If all motorists are armed, all motorists will be polite. I rephrase my earlier statement -- if every driver had a gun, then nobody would ever get shot, because every driver would have a gun!

  12. Anonymous2:17 AM

    Just to be clear, I don't drink personally.

    However, I do find it interesting that you don't believe that a person can have a glass of wine with a meal without going wild. It sounds more like you are advocating a prohibition on liquor since you view it to be too dangerous under any circumstances.

    BTW, BC, please tell me what special training the "trained professionals" get on drinking? This ought to be good. ;-)

  13. Philip,

    Is it really that unclear? Do you really feel that you could serve as a police officer on a whim? Are you still operating on the belief that you live in the old west, where the sheriff doles out badges to whoever he wants as a deputy?

    Regardless of what you may think of the law enforcement people, you'll need to accept that they are trained professionals, and that they are held accountable to there communities to rise above the average, even if they may fail on occasion.

    The explosion that takes place when a gun is fired is the most irreversible process in the universe. As such, firearm operation should require the highest maturity within any community, otherwise immature (childish, drunk?) adults, kids, psychotically troubled people will impulsively grab guns and shoot people too readily, and sometimes randomly. ... oh, wait a minute, that's exactly what happens in America...

  14. States that do NOT allow guns in their bars

    1. Arizona
    2. Georgia
    3. Illinois
    4. Louisiana
    5. Michigan
    6. Mississippi
    7. Montana
    8. New Mexico
    9. North Carolina
    10. North Dakota
    11. Ohio
    12. South Dakota
    13. Virginia*
    14. Wisconsin

    States that allow guns in their bars - with DC and Puerto Rico

    1. Alabama
    2. Alaska
    3. Arkansas
    4. California
    5. Colorado
    6. Connecticut
    7. Delaware
    8. District of Columbia
    9. Florida
    10. Hawaii
    11. Idaho
    12. Indiana
    13. Iowa
    14. Kansas
    15. Kentucky
    16. Maine
    17. Maryland
    18. Massachusetts
    19. Minnesota
    20. Missouri
    21. Nebraska
    22. Nevada
    23. New Hampshire
    24. New Jersey
    25. New York
    26. Oklahoma
    27. Oregon
    28. Pennsylvania
    29. Puerto Rico
    30. Rhode Island
    31. South Carolina
    32. Tennessee
    33. Texas
    34. Utah
    35. Vermont
    36. Washington
    37. West Virginia
    38. Wyoming


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.