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Friday, April 30, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The seemingly contradictory Opinions "Oklahoma would never enact a law that would require doctors to lie to their patients" and "Oklahoma would never contradict its intention to deny medical information to its female citizens by mandating that those same female citizens must, by law, view an ultrasound of their fertilized ovum before having a legal medical procedure performed" have died from an overdose of Christianism. The Opinions were believed to be four and five years of age, respectively.

The Opinions were preceded in death by the cliche The largest hole in Arizona is the Grand Canyon as it turned out the largest hole in the state is in its collective soul. As many of those in the know will attest, Arizona and Oklahoma (when combined) create a monster known as HOMAZONA!

A combined memorial service for the late Opinions will be held under duress at a later date. Anyone with information about the memorial will be required to not divulge that information to anyone who might need directions. Those who seek directions will be made to look at a map which depicts them dying in a horrible traffic accident, their bodies being consumed in an enormous ball of fire while their faces reveal the last desperate wails of abject desolation. Google Maps should have an app for that by summer.

In lieu of donations the family of the deceased Opinions suggest you stay away from Oklahoma. And Arizona, too--don't go to Arizona. Come to think of it, Utah and its Latter Day Shuck & Jive sucks just as much if not more than HOMAZONA, and not just because of Glenn Beck, so avoid traveling to Utah as well. And consider giving Texas a miss too. In fact, you might stay away from any state that values fear and anger over compassion and reason, or any locale that can't seem to understand that women don't require sub-contractors when it comes to their sovereign bodies. Vote with your dollars, and tell 'em Jesus loves them but in all honesty doesn't really like them.


The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.



  1. Homazona!, where the cops comes sweepin' down the plain
    And your wavin' papers means that you're outta luck
    When the your last name surely comes from Spain!
    Homazona, Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
    Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk
    Making busts all along the way!

    We know we belong to the land
    And the land we belong to is grand!
    And when we say
    Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
    We're only sayin'
    You're doin' fine,Homazona!
    Homazona, Honky!!

  2. Homazonans -- I like that. Not quite as spicy as "Miss I-da-hoe" but more original...

  3. Get 'em, Dan!


  4. General, Sir:

    What's this bullshit about this being a "hate site"? Fuck PayPal. Hate site, my left clavicle. The love pours off this (web)page.

  5. The Mormons' Shuck & Jive vs. The Duke Boys' Shuck & Jive (on a neutral site away from Utah and Georgia) -- Who wins?

  6. Damn it! My husband is from Oklahoma and we're visiting next month. We already planned our road trip to exclude Arizona. Now I'm wondering how his parents would take it if we asked them to please move out of Oklahoma before our visit. A month's notice is enough time right?

  7. Suzanne, if you can't convince them to move maybe you can convince them to meet you in a neutral, more sane state....


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.