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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Darwin's Slutty Primates and the Myth of Thingy Fencing

Pastor Wes McMurray
Bahama Baptist Church
Durham, NC

Dear Pastor McMurray,

Until I read your letter to Vanessa Woods, I thought I was alone in my fight against bonobo immorality. It's a battle that's very dear to me, one I began almost six years ago.

With the exception of the love desegregation movement that's now taken hold in Vermont, Massachusetts, and Iowa, the appeal of the bonobo lifestyle may be one of the greatest threats human kind has ever faced. These wicked creatures, Darwin's slutty primates, settle conflict with sex rather than violence.

Not only is that un-American, it's an affront to God and an assault on His holy creation. Imagine if humans adopted such a lifestyle. We'd all be having sex in Baghdad right now. No fighting at all, just one big orgy of love. We might as well be Italians.

But thankfully, that's the worst possible outcome. Your concern about bonobo homosexualism is misplaced. Ms. Woods and her fellow scientistofascists are wrong about that. They mistakenly interpret a bonobo practice called "penis fencing" as being a homosexual act. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Penis fencing has a long history as a bonding ritual for the warrior class. When conducted properly, it's akin to a sacred rite, one that forges deep spiritual bonds between the participants--there's nothing quite like the masculine electricity that courses through your body when you're parrying a penis with the mighty sword of flesh God bestowed upon you.

Sure, sometimes things happen, mistakes are made, and you find yourself biting the back of a hairy neck as you drive your dagger of glory home. But the chances of such an event occurring can be mitigated against by playing martial music like the Marine Corp Hymn or the Ballad of the Green Berets while dueling your dinky. Playing purely heterosexual music like the works of Lou Rawls or Barry White is another strategy I often employ.

You should give it a try. I have an extra gladiator outfit and would be glad to help. After all, we are now fellow warriors in the battle against bonobo immorality.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Pastor Dan.


  1. Welcome to the Monkey House!


  2. What Mr. Heston said in "Planet of the Apes--The Bonobo Era"

    "Get your stinking penis out of me, you damned dirty ape--but not right this second!"

  3. The good pastor wouldn't be having this moral crisis if the animals killed each other. It's the sweaty male bonobo on bonobo sex that keeps him up at night.

    When, oh when, will Obama's re-education camps be open for business?

  4. Instead of gladiator costumes, I think it would be exciting to dress as hairy bonobos! Anybody know where I can rent a monkey suit? I don't even care if it's particularly clean...

  5. Too much monkey business for me.

  6. That bottom bonobo is thinking about breakfast.

  7. That bottom bonobo is thinking about breakfast.

    The top one is thinking about Charlton Heston.


  8. I hope we’re not too messianic or a trifle too satanic, but we love to play the blues …

  9. Due to the bonobo's lifestyle, they never had to invent The Village People. If that isn't a damned good reason not to adopt it, I don't know what is.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.