Darwin's Slutty Primates and the Myth of Thingy Fencing

Pastor Wes McMurray
Bahama Baptist Church
Durham, NC

Dear Pastor McMurray,

Until I read your letter to Vanessa Woods, I thought I was alone in my fight against bonobo immorality. It's a battle that's very dear to me, one I began almost six years ago.

With the exception of the love desegregation movement that's now taken hold in Vermont, Massachusetts, and Iowa, the appeal of the bonobo lifestyle may be one of the greatest threats human kind has ever faced. These wicked creatures, Darwin's slutty primates, settle conflict with sex rather than violence.

Not only is that un-American, it's an affront to God and an assault on His holy creation. Imagine if humans adopted such a lifestyle. We'd all be having sex in Baghdad right now. No fighting at all, just one big orgy of love. We might as well be Italians.

But thankfully, that's the worst possible outcome. Your concern about bonobo homosexualism is misplaced. Ms. Woods and her fellow scientistofascists are wrong about that. They mistakenly interpret a bonobo practice called "penis fencing" as being a homosexual act. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Penis fencing has a long history as a bonding ritual for the warrior class. When conducted properly, it's akin to a sacred rite, one that forges deep spiritual bonds between the participants--there's nothing quite like the masculine electricity that courses through your body when you're parrying a penis with the mighty sword of flesh God bestowed upon you.

Sure, sometimes things happen, mistakes are made, and you find yourself biting the back of a hairy neck as you drive your dagger of glory home. But the chances of such an event occurring can be mitigated against by playing martial music like the Marine Corp Hymn or the Ballad of the Green Berets while dueling your dinky. Playing purely heterosexual music like the works of Lou Rawls or Barry White is another strategy I often employ.

You should give it a try. I have an extra gladiator outfit and would be glad to help. After all, we are now fellow warriors in the battle against bonobo immorality.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Pastor Dan.

Hitler, Darwin, and Sasquatch

This week I review "The End of Darwinism," a book praised by Pat Buchanan and panned by Ed Brayton, one of the most evil men in North America.

Here's my review. Please cast a vote to make it the top positive review if you are so inclined:

Hitler, Darwin, and Sasquatch, July 7, 2009 By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews Once every generation, human kind is introduced to a truth so self-evident, we are left pounding the sides of our heads with large slabs of salami, wondering aloud how we did not see the truth much earlier. Such is the case with the first few chapters of Eugene Windchy's book, "The End of Darwinism." His chapter tying Darwin to Adolph Hitler, Karl Marx, and Joseph Stalin was as well argued as anything I've seen since Art Bell first proposed his theory that sasquatch are biological androids built by draco-reptillian aliens bent on eating our gonadial tissues. That said, I wish had Windchy taken a little more time and tied Darwin to someone even more evil, say, Perez Hilton, or perhaps the Octomom. But that's minor quibble. Hitler serves the author's purpose well enough. Octomom would be just gilding the shamwow. Unfortunately, that's as good as this book gets. And that's sad, because it could have been so much more if he'd gone that extra step and exposed the evolutionists for the purveyors of sexual perversion they are. Sure, he's not the only creationist whose failed to expose the evolutionists' depraved agenda. Read my other reviews and you'll see me taking other authors to task for this same thing. But, you'd think that someone who did such a great job exposing Stalin's love affair with Darwin would notice that biologists are trying exploit "our ancestral ties to animals" to seduce us into a living the modern bonobo lifestyle-- a lifestyle of peace where every argument is settled with a fluid-flinging round of hot ape thingy fencing, tongue spelunking, or wang swallowing. That, my friends, is un-American! Or, worse yet,they want us to emulate the giraffe, where the male is forced to gargle the female's urine before he engages in the procreative act. That is not the kind of world I want for myself. And it's definitely not the kind of world I want for our children. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit quietly while good well-meaning Christian authors ignore any evolutionist plot to get us to gargle our wives' urine. That is why I can only give this book 4 stars.

The National Acadamy Sciences and the Immoral Bonobo

I was so happy to hear that Don McLeroy, Chair of the Texas State Board of Education, added Robert Bowie Johnson, Jr.'s Sowing Atheism to the state's recommended reading list, I decided to do a review.

It's up now. please recommend it, so it becomes the top positive review.

Let's not forget the bonobo, March 17, 2009 By  Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews This book is inspired. No doubt the author, Robert Johnson, went down to the crossroads, fell down to his knees, and was touched by the spirit as he scratched out the thesis for "Sowing Atheism: The National Academy of Sciences' Sinister Scheme to Teach Our Children They're Descended from Reptiles." He gets all of the basics right. Scientists are after our children. They are tempting them away from Christ with their shiny baubles of fact and reason.  But even though I gave it five stars, I cannot say it is a perfect book. There is so much more Johnson could have done to illuminate the Academy's true motivation. It has to be more than simply a desire to promote atheism. There must be some kind of economic motivation as well.  It's a shame Mr. Johnson didn't look into ties between the Academy and the contraceptive industry. It's a natural alliance, evolution and immorality, and one has to wonder if that's why scientists are so bent on establishing a relationship between God's children and that most immoral of apes, the bonobo. Bonobos engage in all the most sinful acts of sexual immorality, everything from "thingy fencing" to "tongue spelunking." They do it to keep peace inside their group. They do not handle strife in a godly way--it is not settled by punishment or execution--it is resolved by hot, wild, orgasmic, wicked, ape sex, fluid flinging orgies of disgusting primate love.  And that's what the contraceptive industry would like to see in human society. Free love, fornication, adultery are good for their bottom line.  Bonobos, evolution, the contraceptive industry, and the Academy: there has to be a link there somewhere. Perhaps Mr. Johnson could look into it in his next book.

Protecting our children from "hippie culture"

Dr. Bill Seel
Boardmember
Pickens County Library System
Easley, South Carolina

Dear Dr. Seel,

I want to thank you and your fellow board members for caving-in to the good, god-fearing Baptists who demanded that you cancel your summer reading program for kids. Who knows what kind of damage could have been done to our children. Between the witchcraft of the astrology class, the exposure to false prophets in the zen gardening and yoga classes, and the promotion of "hippie culture and drug use" that was sure to occur at t-shirt workshop, the reading program would have put our kids on a NASCAR track running straight into Hell.

I'm afraid that's just the beginning of the library system's troubles however. There are a lot of evolution and heliocentric astronomy books on your shelves. And do I even have to mention the bonobo books. Sure, they may not mention the apes' love of penis fencing and woo woo rubbing, but these books are nothing less than gateway literature for the hard-core pornography? The kid who cracks open a Curious George book today will be furiously abusing himself like a randy Swede while watching I Am Curious (Yellow) tomorrow.

Why haven't these books been burned? Do you think it might be because one or more of your reference librarians is possessed by demons?

That'd explain some of the problems with your online photo database wouldn't it? Have you sat down and taken a good look at it. It's like some kind of Sodom of cyber-iniquity. On the front page alone, you've got: two men touching each other in some kind of sick clown homofest, a chorus line of women parading around in cow outfits and flaunting their udders while a big ol' bull cowgirl cracks her whip; and a policeman with a limp nightstick--how can you teach kids to respect the law when they see a cop who can't raise his nightstick?

Now, I'm not saying that you should get rid of the whole database. It has its good points. Take the people section for instance. Although, by my count, 73% of the people in the photographs are either homosexuals, communists, or Jehovah's Witnesses, at least they're all white. You deserve some credit for that (as does your local heritage defense klavern).

I hope this email doesn't get you down. Remember, it started out with a big thank you for caving-in to the Baptists' demands. The remaining problems aren't anything a couple of exorcists and a good bonfire can't take care of. I'm sure you'll have the library system back up to Pickens County standards in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Swiftboating Barry

Valerie Huber
Executive Director
National Abstinence Education Association

Dear Mrs. Huber,

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that you hired Creative Response Concepts (CRC)--the folks who brought us Swift Boat Vets For Truth--to handle your communication efforts. Not only does it provide a little off-year cash to one of The Party's finest character assassination shops, it also gives you the firepower you need to finally destroy the reputation of abstinence's number one enemy, Barry White.

Over the years, Barry White has caused hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of illegitimate couplings. The man is a siren. Even now, nearly three years after his death, his music continues to turn ladies into lust machines. I've only met one woman who could listen to him without going all bonobo. That's my wife, ofJoshua. She listens to his songs constantly over at Mr. Garcia's place and has no interest in sex when she gets home, but then she's a saint.

I'm thinking you could have CRC do the same thing to Barry White it did to John Kerry. Certainly, if they can convince people that a genuine war hero was a conniving coward, they can sell the idea that a sexy-voiced R&B icon is in reality Woody Allen.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

PS, I'm including a very disturbing Barry White video. Watch it with your husband and you'll understand just how dangerous White is.

Full disclosure: my new campaign position

I haven't told anyone about this until now, because I wanted my readers to be the first to know. Today, I named myself to the position of Independent Director of Internets Tubes Communications for the Michael Savage for President campaign. Although it's an unofficial, unpaid, and completely independent position, I think it's important that I disclose it so you, my readers, are aware that I'm no longer a neutral observer when it comes to presidential politics.

I chose to help Michael Savage for a number of reasons. First, he promises to prosecute his political enemies--he calls them "scum-sucking vermin"--for sedition and make them lick lead paint the moment he takes office. Second, he likes killing people, so we can rest assured that he'll continue pursuing our current foreign policy. Third, I think he might be the first president to ever sodomize one of our enemies. At least he likes to fantasize about it a lot. He reminds me of Our Leader in that way.

Finally, and most importantly, I think he's the only potential candidate who has the vision to implement my two pet projects: abstinence education for bonobos and creating tax incentives to promote the liberation and storage of our tiny spermatazoan-American brothers--it's time we ended the tube sock holocaust. OK, maybe Sam Brownback would support these projects as well, but he's a papist. Mitt and McCain might support either or both projects on Tuesdays too, but by Wednesday, they'd oppose them. And I think it's probably prudent to keep Rudy away from the bonobos as much as possible.

My first task is to convince Mr. Savage to run. He says he'll seriously consider it if 5 million people vote yes on this web poll (he has 3 million yes votes so far). So please head on over there and cast your vote. And when you're posting in some other blog's comments or message board, please encourage others to follow your lead.

Elsewhere: ¡Happy Birthday Nez!

The immorality of the Bonobos

I'm really enjoying the Conservapedia:

Bonobos

Bonobos, or pigmy chimpanzees, are an endangered¹ ape species known for their sexual immorality. Proponents of evolutionary psychology often point to bonobos as examples of an evolutionary adaptation in which a species acquired the strategy of bartering sex to enhance social status or to resolve disputes².

Homosexual activists often cite bonobos as examples of animals who perform homosexual acts³, such as genital rubbing, penis fencing, and oral sex upon each other⁴. The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) argues that acts like scrotal or genital rubbing are not sexual at all. Rather they are aggressive acts to assert dominance much like when a dog mounts a person's leg⁵.

---

1. PrimateInfo.Net

2. Bonobo Sex and Society

3. Chris Bull, Monkey love - homosexual behavior in primates, The Advocate, June 10, 1997.

4. Steve Sailer, "Chimps and Chumps : What monkeys don't tell us about man," National Review, Sept 27, 1999.

5. Luiz Sérgio Solimeo, "The Animal Homosexuality Myth," NARTH.

Darwin's slutty primates

A number of readers suggested that I resubmit some of the book reviews Amazon deleted. I think that's a great idea. I'll try to do it every couple of weeks or so.

I'll start out with one I did for an intelligent design textbook called Of Pandas and People, a Discovery Institute favorite.

I've resubmitted my review. It may take a day or so for Amazon to publish it.

Doesn't address the most important issue in biology today, November 4, 2006

Reviewer:

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I'm a believer in intelligent design because it's God's law and not a theory like Darwinism. Unfortunately, I can't give this book 5 stars because the authors ignored the most important issue in biology today, the bonobos' immorality.

Darwinists think that these slutty primates are our nearest relatives. The very thought disgusts me. Bonobos (also known as pigmy chimpanzees) use heterosexual and homosexual sex to settle disagreements, engaging in such depraved acts as oral sex and "penis fencing." Humans don't settle arguments in this manner. We smite our enemies in acts of righteous vengeance just like in the Bible.

A chapter outlining these differences and condemning the bonobos' immorality is desperately needed in this book. Without such a chapter, it's worthless as a teaching tool. I certainly won't recommend it to the curriculum committee I chair.

Packing heat in the House

Rep. Wallace Scarborough
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Scarborough,

I don't know what this country's coming to. In the old days, a legislator could take a few shots at a couple of utility workers and nobody would give a damn. Now, they arrest you for it.

Well, at least you were lucky enough to retain Rep. Altman as your attorney. He's a fighter. I'll never forget the time when he took on the bonobo lobby and passed legislation criminalizing their disgusting sexual practices.

Still, I'm not sure I agree with the approach he's taking. He started out right. Demanding an apology from South Carolina Electric and Gas for causing you to shoot at their employees was a good opening move. But I think it was a mistake to claim that the gun was fired by accident. It just doesn't seem to ring true considering that you're a Citadel graduate with an A grade from the National Rifle Association. You obviously know how to handle a firearm.

Perhaps a better approach would be to claim that the SCE&G workers snuck up behind you while you were hunting quail. You could say your dog flushed a bird, you swung around, fired, and almost shot one of them in the face. That's a defense that seems to work.

Of course, you could always tell the truth. The SCE&G workers were dark brown, weren't they? If that's the case, there isn't a jury in the Heartland that'd convict you. There isn't anything in the world that scares a man like you and me more than the thought of dark brown men running around our neighborhood. For all you knew, those two might have been sneaking around your yard, looking for an opportunity to make off with your women.

Best of luck on your trial.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

God's gospel lizards

Dr. G. Thomas Sharp
Creation Truth Foundation, Inc.

Dear Dr. Sharp,

I'm a big fan of the work you've done teaching children about God's gospel lizards"." Your argument that the large size of ancient beavers in the fossil record proves that dinosaurs lived among men is pure genius, and certainly, no one could argue with your claim that Noah chose baby dinosaurs to save space on the ark.

It's a good strategy, but I'm worried that you're ignoring the part of the debate that poses the greatest threat to our children. I'm referring to evolutionary psychology. It's used as the basis for justifying all sorts of deviant sexual practices.

One only has to see how the Darwinists gush about the filthy immorality of the bonobo to understand just how wicked their empirically-based theories truly are. They point to these beasts' disgusting behavior as an example of how sin is hard-wired in what they call our "closest relatives". To the Darwinists, such wicked practices as homosexuality, prostitution, penis fencing, and masturbation are "natural," simply because the bonobo gets his jollies by performing them.

You need to counter their arguments by rebuking the bonobo's immorality every time you speak. Perhaps, you could discipline a stuffed bonobo during your presentation. Yes, I think that's the solution. You could furiously spank that monkey while shouting out its various sins. That'd show the children that God will not allow any sin to go unpunished--even if the sinner is not made in His image.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A practice so vile I hesitate to utter its name

Rep. John Graham Altman III
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Altman,

You set off one heck of a firestorm by voting to make cock fighting a felony while tabling a bill to do the same for domestic violence. Your explanation that some women deserve to be beaten didn't seem to calm your detractors. You just can't please some people no matter what you do.

I agree with you that cock fighting is a far more serious crime. The very thought of it disgusts me. I knew that bonobos engaged in such practices. That's why Darwinists --libertines, every last one of them--love them so much. But men? That's as great a sin as I can comprehend. It's illustrative of our culture's rejection of traditional values.

The very thought of men doing such a thing causes me to get a strange tingling feeling that most certainly is satanic in origin. My little soldier, reacting to this practice's name, immediately stands at attention, anticipating battle--he wants to meet his kind in this most masculine sounding pursuit.

Unfortunately, my little soldier does not have his own brain or heart. If he did, he'd understand that cock fighting is offensive to God. There is no reasoning with him. That's why I must beat him mercilessly, until he pukes up the evil bile that engorges him.

I pray that you do not suffer the same reaction.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Darwin's slutty primates

Amazon finally published my review of Of Pandas and People. As regular readers may recall, it's the textbook Dover School District chose to use in its Intelligent Design oriented biology curriculum.

I'll post it here, but if you get a chance, go to Amazon and let them know how useful you think the review is.

The authors didn't address the bonobos' immorality, December 28, 2004
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

I'm a believer in intelligent design because it's God's law and not a theory like Darwinism. Unfortunately, I can't give this book 5 stars because the authors ignored the most important issue in biology today, the bonobos' immorality.

Darwinists think that these slutty primates are our nearest relatives. The very thought disgusts me. Bonobos use heterosexual and homosexual sex to settle disagreements, engaging in such depraved acts as oral sex and "penis fencing." Humans don't settle arguments in this manner. We smite our enemies in acts of righteous vengeance just like in the Bible.

A chapter outlining these differences and condemning the bonobos' immorality is desperately needed in this book. Without such a chapter, it's worthless as a teaching tool. I certainly won't recommend it to the curriculum committee I chair.

Lest we forget the bonobo's immorality

Angie Zeigler-Yingling
Eric Riddle
Ronald Short
Sherrie Leber
Alan Bonsell
Heather Geesey
Bill Buckingham
Pastor Eric Rowand
Boardmembers, Dover School Board

Dear Boardmembers

I was sorry to hear that your decision to teach creationism has prompted a lawsuit. Don't worry. Your attorney's strategy of portraying it as an education rather than a religious issue is sound. I'm sure that Our Lord Jesus will help you carry out this deception by wiping the judge's memory clear of the statements you've made in the past. No one in the court will remember that Mr. Buckingham recently declared, "This country was founded on Christianity and our students should be taught as such," or that Pastor Rowand once noted, "If the Bible is right, God created us.If God did it, it's history and it's also science."

Once you win this case, you'll need to fully implement the policy. I'm worried about your ability to do so. I have serious reservations about the textbook you've chosen, Of Pandas and People.

Sure, the authors get it right in places. Their takedown of the Darwinists' misclassification of the tasmanian wolf is brutal in it's simplicity. While secular biologists cite the tasmanian wolf's skull structure, pouch, musculature, and the fossil record as reasons for not placing it in the wolf family, the authors are quick to note that the word "wolf" is part of the animal's name. Not only is that pure genius, it also recognizes the American language's place as the ultimate scientific tool.

Unfortunately, the book is plagued with problems as well. It appears that the Darwinists have been somewhat successful in intimidating the authors. The bold ideas put forth in the first edition--things like amphibian turtles and grazing giraffes--are nowhere to be found in the second. It's a near-surrender as far as I'm concerned.

I'd also hoped that at some point they'd take on the immorality of the bonobos, an ape many Darwinists consider to be our closest relative. After seeing the changes in the second edition, my dreams have been dashed. The job of denouncing the bonobos' deviant lifestyle, complete with such crimes against God as make-up sex and penis fencing, must be left to others.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Give me that red style education

Soon, Our Leader's No Child Left Behind initiative will fulfill its main objective and demonstrate that public schooling is a disaster and should be replaced by a system of private, or more accurately, "Christian," schools. Thank the Lord that Christian textbook companies are prepared for that day. Below, you'll find what one such company, A Beka Book, has to offer.

You won't find the term "robber baron" in one of Beka's Christian-oriented history texts. Instead, you'll read about the contribution capitalist entrepreneurs made in building our great nation. Those parts of history which glorify God, gold, and country are emphasized while history that is not faith-promoting is thankfully ignored.

We present government as ordained by God for the maintenance of law and order, not as a cure-all for the problems of humanity. We present free-enterprise economics without apology and point out the dangers of Communism, socialism, and liberalism to the well-being of people across the globe. In short, A Beka Book offers you a Christian and conservative approach to the study of what man has done with the time God has given.

Science is Satan's playground. He subverts our respect for God by dazzling us with fancy Darwinist theories and geological history. Once we accept the notion that man descended from monkeys, we are bound to eventually ape the immorality of bonobos. Beka texts reject Satan's science by embracing the science of the Bible:

While secular science textbooks present modern science as the opposite of faith, the A Beka Book science texts teach that modern science is the product of Western man's return to the Scriptures after the Protestant Reformation, leading to his desire to understand and subdue the earth, which he saw as the orderly, law-abiding creation of the God of the Bible.

The A Beka Book Science and Health Program presents the universe as the direct creation of God and refutes the man-made idea of evolution. Further, the books present God as the Great Designer and Lawgiver, without Whom the evident design and laws of nature would be inexplicable. They give a solid foundation in all areas of science -- a foundation firmly anchored to Scriptural truth.

Secular English textbooks promote relativism. Beka's English series promotes orderly thought by ensuring that no student strays from God's immutable will:

God gave us our powers of thought and language and chose to reveal His will and His ways to us in a written form, the Bible; thus we need to pay particular attention to the teaching of grammar, spelling, vocabulary, composition, and literature as we seek to educate students from a Christian perspective.

Since Darwin, linguists have sought in vain for a credible explanation for the origin of language. Having accepted evolutionary philosophy, they can only think that language must be simply a response to a stimulus, an emotional outcry, an imitation of animals.

If such foolishness were true, then any talk of language being governed by rules or any claims that some expressions are better than others would be inappropriate, and relativism would rule. This explains many English programs today. But as Christians, we still believe that the Bible provides the only credible explanation for the universe, of man, and of language. Therefore, it is easy to see in language a structure which reflects the logic, reasonableness, and orderliness of the One who created man and his language.

Beka's mathematics texts dispense with modern heresies like "set theory" and concentrate on "God's absolute mathematical laws":

Unlike the "modern math" theorists, who believe that mathematics is a creation of man and thus arbitrary and relative, we believe that the laws of mathematics are a creation of God and thus absolute. All of the laws of mathematics are God's laws. Our knowledge of God's absolute mathematical laws may be incomplete or at times in error, but that merely shows human frailty, not relativity in mathematics. Man's task is to search out and make use of the laws of the universe, both scientific and mathematical.

A Beka Book provides attractive, legible, workable traditional mathematics texts that are not burdened with modern theories such as set theory... Besides training students in the basic skills that they will need all their lives, the A Beka Book traditional mathematics books teach students to believe in the absolutes of the universe, to work diligently to get right answers, and to see the facts of mathematics as part of the truth and order that God has built into the real universe.

Sharon K. Robbert of Trinity Christian College authored a number of mathematical devotions to complement the Christian student's math studies. Here is one of my favorites, Christ = Adam^-1:

An inverse mapping of any function reverses the direction of the assignment of the function. In the case that the original function is one-to-one, the inverse mapping will also be a function with the domain and codomain interchanged.

Through the sin of Adam, all people are condemned for eternity. We cannot escape our inherited imperfection. Let's define the "Adam life function" to act on people. This function has output death for all inputs. However, Christ inverts the total condemnation of people through his death and resurrection. This acts as a sort of inverse to the "Adam life function;" the "Christ death function" acts on all people and brings life to those who believe. This is not truly an inverse function--it is more of a negation--the negation of Adam (man) is Christ and the negation of life is death. It is ironic that to give eternal life to people whose lives are undeserved, Christ had to die.

Finally, the Lewis and Clark Pioneer published a few examples of questions from a Christian calculus test. Although it was published on April 1st, the General doesn't think that it's a joke. The questions are good and they don't seem to be any less valid than any of the other things I've quoted above.

(1) Which of the following is the most important principle of continuous functions:
(a) any constant function is continuous
(b) if f(x) is continuous, so is 1/f(x)
(c) for any positive integer n, xn and the n root of x are continuous
(d) they must continue in their faith in Christ established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel (Col 1:23)

2) Q: What is the limit of f(x) as x approaches infinity?
Answer: f(x) has no limit, "for God gives the spirit without limit." (John 3:34)

3) John 19:33-34 says "But when they came to Jesus and found that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. Instead, one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water."

Say Jesus had been crucified on a slope defined by f(x) = -1/8(x-6)2 + 5. If Jesus' crucifix was buried in the ground at the point on the function where x = 8, and the Roman Legion who pierced Jesus' side is standing at the point x = 4 (Fig. 1), find the area below the function (but not below the x-axis) and between Christ and the soldier.

Note: Somebody sent me an email or posted a comment about Christian calculus exams or texts a while back. I can't find it now, so I apologize for not crediting you if it's part of the info I posted.