Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Meet Prosty the Heat-Packing Prostate

Christopher JM Cummins, MD, MT
Captain, United States Army Reserve
Sole Proprietor, Magnolia State Family Medicine

Dear Capt. Dr. Cummings,

I saw your ad in the official publication of the Council of Conservative Citizens, The Citizen's Informer. It says a lot about you that you'd choose to advertise in a newsletter that dares to publish such important, but controversial, information as this:
Depending on foreign extraction, convenience store operators pilfer the welfare system by diverse methods. Korean grocers have been observed paying cash for deli supplies purchased with EBT cards held by black welfare cheats.
And:
The U.S.A., which Jewish publicists have propagandized as “a nation of immigrants” (i.e., not a nation at all), has drifted far away from integral nationalism.
That makes the U.S.A. a place that is good for the Jews, but will their luck hold if usury remains in crisis?
And:
The colored races have not changed. They have always hated the white race. What has changed is the white race. A large minority of whites, possibly even a majority now, hate the white race. And the rest of the whites have become cattle, to be herded to the stockyards to be exterminated or ‘diversified.’

Obviously, you're a man who isn't afraid to lay down a few dollars to educate your fellow Confederate-Americans. That's why I'm asking you to sponsor the guns and sex safety organization I'm founding, The National Firearm Foreplay Association.

As you may be aware, there are a lot of sick perverts out there who enjoy putting a gun to their partners' heads during sex. One of them is in the news now for accidentally shooting his wife--apparently, he has problems with homophones and the word, "cock," threw him.

Anyway, I think a lot of good men get sucked into this sick kind of perverted sex play, because no one has told them how to properly use a firearm while procreating. They don't understand that, as a sex accessory, a gun is a prostate stimulation device, period. It should never be used for any other kind of foreplay.

Yes, I know it should be obvious--after all, that front site is put there to massage the our happy-man-spot--but a lot of folks seem to be missing it.

I think $50,000 would get me started and another $20,000 would be needed to develop a marketing plan centered around our mascot, "Prosty the Heat-Packing Prostate." Do you think you could swing that?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

10 comments:

  1. General, Sir:

    I dunno, seems to me like the cap'n is gonna have some 'splainin' to do at his next drill.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And for those new to this purpose, I heartily suggest the Ruger MK III. It's tube-style construction and bull barrel are the perfect shape, weight and density for maximum results. The .22LR ammunition is inexpensive and plentiful so you can get in plenty of practice on a budget and it's mechanical simplicity ensures that it will not jam in the heat of man-battle.

    Some will complain that it's it's only a .22LR but everyone needs to start somewhere and I argue that, for beginners it's small caliber is actually an advantage. Moreover, its frame dimensions and weight are designed to mimic and train for the much more advanced 1911 family of prostate massagers and, at approximately $300 new, you simply can't beat the price.

    Also, it features a removable front sight for ease of entry.

    That's just my $0.02.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Happiness is a warm Cummings...

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I started to read this, the relief was palpable. A newspaper BY conservatives FOR conservatives. Just a little something for us to stem the tide of the far-left MSM.
    I thought it only had a little to go in generalisations to make it perfect. I mean, sure, asians, blacks & jews were covered, but not a mention of dirty US oil-stealing towelhead arabo-muslims or kwiki-martist, elephant praying Indians.

    So I read the statement of principles and I'm outraged. Yes, my rage is entirely out!
    It is nothing more than a contrived liberal plot!
    1. The US is a Euro-peon Country. My WHAT?! We're like cheese-eating surrender monkeys? Like pasta-munchers? What about Danish-land? All those socialist countries where the populace are shackled with the weight of universal healthcare?
    2. US Sovereignty. How the hell can we win the war on terror if we don't deny rights to American citizens?
    4. A Constitutional Republic. Sure it is, but I'm wondering if he isn't a real Christian, because I don't see anything about overiding it due to biblical interpretation by a TV preacher.
    5. Hate crimes & bia crime. Why would you repeal what protects repressed Christians. Liberals can only have their irrational hatred of Americans temper by such laws. What about denying rights to worship? My God! This guy wants muslims and satanists (same thing) to be able to practise their depraved, heathen ways!! LIBERAL SCUM!
    6. No pornos? wtf? What about my rights to rub one out until i've rubbed it off? Who is this asshole to tell me I can't watch porn. Its my individual right. Also, how the hell would Utah survive if they couldn't consume porn?
    7. THIS is where his sneaky libera-socialisto communist anti-christian self comes out. He wants to pay the lazy to not work with 'public welfare'. He WANTS HELLTHCARE. Old age assistance?!?! wtf?!
    10. Is just silly. America first, but don't invade countries with brown people and oil. How the f&%# does that work? How do we bring freedom & democracy to the world without invading countries with oil?

    I'm sickened by the ruse. I've never been more outraged than now... well, except for the whole flag breast pin thing... oh, and Janet's wardrobe malfunction. Except for THAT, I've never been so raged out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. When I started to read this, the relief was palpable. A newspaper BY conservatives FOR conservatives. Just a little something for us to stem the tide of the far-left MSM.
    I thought it only had a little to go in generalisations to make it perfect. I mean, sure, asians, blacks & jews were covered, but not a mention of dirty US oil-stealing towelhead arabo-muslims or kwiki-martist, elephant praying Indians.

    So I read the statement of principles and I'm outraged. Yes, my rage is entirely out!
    It is nothing more than a contrived liberal plot!
    1. The US is a Euro-peon Country. My WHAT?! We're like cheese-eating surrender monkeys? Like pasta-munchers? What about Danish-land? All those socialist countries where the populace are shackled with the weight of universal healthcare?
    2. US Sovereignty. How the hell can we win the war on terror if we don't deny rights to American citizens?
    4. A Constitutional Republic. Sure it is, but I'm wondering if he isn't a real Christian, because I don't see anything about overiding it due to biblical interpretation by a TV preacher.
    5. Hate crimes & bia crime. Why would you repeal what protects repressed Christians. Liberals can only have their irrational hatred of Americans temper by such laws. What about denying rights to worship? My God! This guy wants muslims and satanists (same thing) to be able to practise their depraved, heathen ways!! LIBERAL SCUM!
    6. No pornos? wtf? What about my rights to rub one out until i've rubbed it off? Who is this asshole to tell me I can't watch porn. Its my individual right. Also, how the hell would Utah survive if they couldn't consume porn?
    7. THIS is where his sneaky libera-socialisto communist anti-christian self comes out. He wants to pay the lazy to not work with 'public welfare'. He WANTS HELLTHCARE. Old age assistance?!?! wtf?!
    10. Is just silly. America first, but don't invade countries with brown people and oil. How the f&%# does that work? How do we bring freedom & democracy to the world without invading countries with oil?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry guys. I know it was long. I'm just.. outraged. I haven't been this outraged about open hatred of true Americans since... the flag lapel pin incident... or Janet's wardrobe malfunction.

    ReplyDelete
  7. oops@double posting. Google said it was too long the first time.

    ReplyDelete
  8. BC:

    I hear that allatime, the "it was too long" part.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ninjanurse says that it is really scary to think of sick people looking to this doctor for help. I think he does geriatric psychiatry, too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think he does geriatric psychiatry, too.

    Let's hope he does it while looking into a mirror. Physician, psych thyself!

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.