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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Mormon Scripture Predicts Bolton Nomination

According to Mormon scripture, John Bolton, a "gentile," will be the Republican presidential nominee. That's my surprising conclusion from research I conducted on "Facsimile #2" in the Pearl of Great Price--one of the four "standard works" of scripture recognized by the LDS (Mormon) Church; the others being the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine and Covenants.

"Facsimile #2" is a copy of one of the papyri from which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham portion of the Pearl of Great Price.

It all began a few months ago when my grandson gave me a pair of crystals he had grown from a kit Jesus left under the Christmas tree. I quickly fashioned the crystals into a crude Urim and Thummim and began translating Facsimile #2 using the same method Joseph Smith employed--that is, as Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles describes it: “Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light..."

I began by translating the Reformed Egyptian characters found on the upper outer edge, and was surprised to find that my translation differs from the Prophet Joseph's. I don't know why that is. Perhaps, God waited to reveal a second meaning until a more proper time. The context within my translation would support that.

I translated the characters to mean: "In 2012, a mustachioed lion will rise up to challenge that god-damned Nubian-looking, secretly Baal worshipping, gold-taxing commie bastard from South of Kush." Obviously, Facsimile #2 is referring to the 2012 election.

Curious as to why one panel was printed upside down, I shifted my Urim and Thummim hat to inspect it.

The fact that the panel is upside down suggests that the figures depicted within are no longer living, or, if as I suggest, they are presidential candidates, their races have folded.

From right to left, we see Newt Gingrich (identifiable by his fully erect little statesman) hitting on a "bird," most likely representing any woman within arm's reach. This may be the reason he withdraws.

A female figure stands next to him. Given that she is holding a torch, or light bulb, she obviously represents Michele Bachmann. Next to her is a rather fancy bull, wearing a bow and a very ornate hat. Who could it be other than Michele's husband, Marcus?

The fancy-pants bull is staring at the "package area" of the next figure, a big-haired Rick Perry. Something is going on there, and I suspect it means the downfall of Perry and the Bachmanns.

Behind Perry, a nondescript, rather boring Pawlenty, a hawk-faced Ron Paul, and a dog attracting Santorum are memorialized in the final moments of their campaigns.

Another important panel appears above the left side of the inverted panel. In it's original language, Reformed Egyptian, it says "Tree man-in-tree incomprehensible-squiggling eye incomprehensible-squiggling puking-man-with-thingy-exposed arrogant-prick golf-club.

Upon translation, it becomes clear that it's actually a prediction of a Mark Halperin prediction: a man hiding in a tree will photograph a very drunken John Boehner puking on Eric Cantor as the Speaker attempts to take a leak while golfing. Mark Halperin will declare this to be good news for Mitt Romney (who is depicted in the next panel to the right).

This panel shows Mitt Romney (see great hair) giving a speech in which expresses a series of opposing policy positions. Ensuing criticism destroys his campaign. Halperin's perfect prediction streak continues.

Now, we move on to the final three candidates.

Above and to the left of the Mitt panel, we find one depicting the other Mormon candidate, Jon Huntsman. He will try to capitalize on his earlier successes at appearing youthful and adventurous (riding a motorcycle, drinking Chinese booze) by riding a surfboard. Apparently, that will not end well since the panel is not in the topmost, center position. Facsimile #2 is telling us Jon Huntsman's candidacy will end in a surfing accident or a flabby man-boob controversy.

The Sarah Palin panel appears on the top right. She will continue to see the presidential race as an excellent income-generating opportunity. Her campaign will end after she releases "The True Story of My Commando Assault Against Russiastan." Although very compelling, her story about single-handedly destroying the Kamchatka port city of Antichristograd while serving as Alaska's governor will be met with derision from the lame stream media.

Finally, in a panel located top-center, Facsimile #2 identifies the 2012 Republican nominee. By depicting a bloody mustache, a homemade shiv, and a "poking stick" tipped with a vicious, snarling rat, the panel assures us that Ambassador John Bolton will be the nominee.

What about the other candidates?

Hermain Cain: Well, this is Mormon scripture. He's not...uh..celestially acceptable.

Thaddeus McCotter: Again, this is Mormon scripture. We're not exactly a humorous people.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.