Gauging Marcus Bachmann's Commitment to the Heterosexual Lifestyle

Marcus Bachmann
Christian Counselor
First Man in Waiting

cc: Peter LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. Bachmann

I found a new outdoors channel as I was flipping through the radio, today. It's called Out-Q. I only got to hear about and hour of it and was a little disappointed that the host, Michelangelo Signorile, spent that time talking about you.

I guess it's like watching Animal Planet; you have to watch a lot of ghost shows before you get to see a shark. I'll probably continue to listen to Out-Q; they ran a lot of interesting promos about bears.

Anyway, all the callers were saying they thought the rumors about you being some kind of secret homosexualist are true. A lot of them had that special homosexualist detection equipment called "gaydar." They said you sound like the gay in that "homosexualists are barbarians" video and walk like the gay in another video.

I watched them both, and, hey, even I came away thinking you come off like a pride week princess, but I think I can help you out with that.

All you need is a little man time with me down at the compound. We'll start out by cleansing ourselves of any impure thoughts. That's pretty easy to do. I'll strap one of those plesmograph thingies to your unit and show you some homosexualist porn. If you react inappropriately, I'll spank your hairy bare butt with a spatula until you're redeemed.

Then, we'll spend a few days deressing up like gladiators and watching my extensive collection of gladiator movies. If that goes well, we'll go full warrior by wresting in the ancient manner (naked and oiled) of our Spartan forefathers.

We might also invite Peter LaBarbera over to teach you dress a little more heterosexually. He has a large collection of biker leathers that he wears to recruit the gay into being straight by showing them how cool they'll look in assless chaps. Put on a pair of those and one of those hip wallet chains that fastens to your nipples, and no one will question your commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian