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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Republican Science

We hear a lot about conservative advancements in creation and climate science, but very little about other great Republican scientific achievements. Here's a list of a few of our most patriotic discoveries:
  • Particulate-induced asthma is good for children. It causes them to breath less carbon monoxide.
  • No unbiased observer has ever witnessed the female orgasm.
  • Oil is organic. It's good for people.
  • If God wanted us to have recreational sex, He wouldn't have made sex so off-putting - women wouldn't vomit every time they did it.
  • Coal soot acts like sunblock against the deadly effects of chemtrails.
  • Preborn girls are created when a sperm person gives up one of his ribs.
  • Fish choose to shape their mouths in an obscene manner. It is not an innate characteristic. They can be cured.
  • Human civilization began in Branson, Missouri.
  • Gravity is a lie. We all have angels pushing down on our heads. Sometimes Catholic priests and protestant youth ministers have to help the angels push down on heads.
  • Even animals have angels pushing down on them. Except birds. They're Satanic communists.
  • During the rapture, angels will stop pushing down on the righteous.
  • Rain doesn't fall. Angels just point their squirtguns downward. Same is true for pee.
  • Polar bears are suicidal. They want to become extinct.
  • A man's uterus is the only organ that can function outside of his body.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.