Ayn Rand and the Painter of Light

Thomas Kinkade
Official Painter of Light for the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution

Dear Mr. Kinkade,

Congratulations. I'm absolutely thrilled that your painting, The Christmas Cottage, is being made into a movie. I'm worried, however, about what the Hollywoodislamunistofascists will do to it. Will they replace the warm light of God's love emanating from the cottage with a wicked, worldly neon glow? Or worse yet, will they open up another front in the War on Christmas by turning it into a solstice shack?

You need someone on the inside defending the integrity of your work. I think I'm that guy. I've even written a treatment for the screenplay. It's your story as Ayn Rand would have told it.

I got the idea after seeing the film version of Rand's book, The Fountainhead. Gary Cooper played the protagonist, an architect named Howard Roark, who becomes angry when his design for a building is changed. He eventually blows the building up to prevent his dream from being corrupted.

I see you as a Roark-like character, an artist with an uncompromising commitment to his artistic vision. The story is basically the same, but with your real life experiences. It begins with you creating The Christmas Cottage, the greatest Christian painting to ever appear on the Home Shopping Network. Your life is perfect until the people you hired to sell the painting try to change your vision by demanding a living wage. Unwilling to compromise your vision, you respond to your employees demands in the strongest way possible; you get drunk and pee on the Whinnie the Pooh statue at the Disneyland Hotel.

Now that's what I call the stuff good drama is made of.

So what do you think. Can i start talking to Jason Apuzzo about directing it. I think I can get him if I thrown in a "positive immigrant maid" role for his wife.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Mr. Lucid

And graphic credits to those who thought yesterday's picture of Our Lady of the Concentration Camps might alienate people.

24: the Reality Show

Jason Apuzzo
Hollywoodistan Martyr

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

I haven't heard back from you in regard to Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man, the dinosaurs vs Noah and the angels project, or any of the other pitches I've sent you. I suspect that's because you're still having a hard time selling patriotically-themed projects in Hollywoodistan. Feel free to add a little anal sex to my ideas. Bill Donohue says that's what those Jewish movie producers are all about.

I have another idea I'd like to pitch. I call it 24: the Reality Show. It's a reality/action show that's a cross between 24, Death Wish, and Project Greenlight. I'm thinking television--I bet ABC would be game--but it could also be a feature film.

Imagine this. 24 creator Joel Surnow puts together a team of patriotic actors, directors, and producers and leads them on operations against America's internal enemies. They could begin with the school marmish brigadier general and the military and FBI interrogators who complained that the torture scenes in 24 were hurting the war effort.

That's your pilot right there. You show a torture scene from 24 before the opening credits and end the show with the same torture methods being used on the America-hating general and interrogators. Heck, Kiefer Sutherland could be featured in both shots, first as Jack Bauer and then as himself.

Of course, we'd need to include some hot, sweaty, Donohuian anal-sex in there somewhere. I'm thinking Ron Silver for that. Maybe a cameo by Rush Limbaugh as Silver's partner. Picture it. Man, I can almost hear the moaning and screeching as I type this.

I don't think we can add a "positive immigrant maid" role for Mrs. Apuzzo this time. Times have changed since San Pedro. We'd lose our target audience unless we turned the role into an "negative immigrant welfare cheat." Or maybe she'd rather write guest pieces for the LA Times complaining about why 24: the Reality Show isn't being made. She's done a lot more of that than acting in the last few years. It's too bad her screeching jeremiads don't count as credits in her IMDB profile.

Well, please keep me updated on any progress you make pitching my ideas. And don't forget the anal sex. It's going to make all the difference for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Any progress on that Joe McCarthy project you're doing with Mr. Coulter? I'm eager to see it. It's about time he was depicted as a hero.

Helmet tip: chicago dyke

Scenes from the Renaissance

Patriots from all over Orange County gathered this weekend in Hollywood to honor the nation's top conservative filmmakers. I couldn't make it, but these photos from the American Film Renaissance website serve as proof that a good time was had by all.


Nobody parties harder than the good folks at Eagle Forum, and their Cathie Adams lived up to everyone's expectations.


Once Cathy worked the crowd up into a wild, traditional values frenzy, Michael Medved slew them with humorous anecdotes about his relationship with Jack Abramoff (whom he barely knows having only had dinner with him a few times when Medved was a film critic and Abramoff, a movie producer, and again later, when they were both serving as board members for Toward Tradition).

BTW, this might be a good time for all of us to remind ourselves that Mr. Medved is not a homosexual.


I can't improve upon AFR's caption for this photo: "Reception Guest's [sic] enjoy Medved's speech."


Kfir Alfia donates two dollars to the Wounded Warrior Project in honor of those who sacrificed their limbs so he could market his Protest Warrior line of merchandise.

Update: mzNicky writes:

General, Sir: I'm sorry, but every time I look at that guy in the starry hat, he seems to be not so much dozing off as engaging in a Rapturous interlude with his little soldier. Could Mr. Medved be that motivational a speaker, Sir?

Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man: A Christmas War Story

Jason Apuzzo
Hollywood Patriot

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

It's a shame that Joe Dante is given the opportunity to make films about traitorous zombie veterans while L'Homme continues to crush your dreams of finishing your epic student film, San Pedro. I can't blame you for being bitter. It's natural. God gave us bitterness to help us deal with failure.

That said, it's now time to put all that aside and show the world that a patriot can make a better horror film than Dante and his ilk. I have the perfect film for you. Its working title is Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man: A Christmas War Story.

Characters:

Deputy Leader Cheney (played by Ned Beatty made up to look like Phil Hartman's inarticulate Frankenstein)

Bill O'Reilly (played by Bill O'Reilly)

"positive immigrant maid" (played by Mrs. Apuzzo)

Synopsis

Bill O'Reilly is getting sneering tips from the Dick Cheney in the Green Room of his FNC studios when the Deputy Leaders falls over and dies. Seeing this as his opportunity to test his reanimation theories, O'Reilly drags Cheney's lifeless body back to his dressing room, applies his experimental Mighty Falafel of Everlasting Life, and rips our dear Dick from the Reaper's terrible grasp.

Thinking that the world might benefit if he experimented with Cheney's cold, but reanimated, body, O'Reilly decides to take Dick home. He's stopped short just outside of the studio when he spies the remains of a nativity scene at the edge of a sidewalk. He had heard that secularists, atheists, Jews, and other guest-Americans had objected to the neighboring Post Office's Christmas decorations, but didn't know that they had been successful getting them removed until that moment. Angry, Bill picks up the baby plastic Jesus' severed leg and vows that he will do everything in his power to defeat the enemies of Christmas.

For the next several weeks, the leotard-clad duo of Cheneystein and The Falafel Man wreak havoc on the Scrooge community. They walk the streets day and night listening for a Rabbi's "Happy Hanukkah" or a sales clerk's occasional "Happy Holidays," and meet it with a trip to a nearby alley where the unlucky Christmas-hater is subjected to pain slightly less painful than that associated with organ failure as well as a thorough reaming with a now battery-powered plastic Baby Jesus leg.

Well that's it. I know it's rough, but we can shape it up in no time if you're interested in directing it. I bet we can get Fox or the Rev. Moon to produce it, and we can probably get product placement money from the ReamMaster 5000 people and the pure grain alcohol industry.

Please get back to me soon. We'll need to start shooting right away.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Another pitch

Mike Mackey
Writer, Liberality for All

Dear Mr. Mackey,

I'm very excited about your comic book series, Liberality for All. Who could resist a story about robotically enhanced talk show hosts battling liberals and Arabs. It's a sure fire hit.

Given the popularity of movies like The Fantastic Four, Catwoman, and The Incredible Hulk, have you considered pitching Liberality to the studios? With a few changes, I don't think you'd have any problem getting it greenlighted. I'm not talking about anything major, just minor changes like giving the talk show hosts superhero names. Hannity could become The Smirk; G. Gordon Liddy, Captain Hetero; and Oliver North, The Mad Felon.

You should also consider adding Rush to the mix. After all, the concept of a robotically enhanced team of superhero talkshow hosts isn't credible without him. You could call Mr. Limbaugh, The Needle. When faced with danger, he could attack by launching a robotic monkey he carries on his back.

Castingwise, you have to go with Hannity, Liddy, North, and Limbaugh playing themselves. They have already have audiences ready to shell out ten bucks for a ticket--just be sure that your marketing team refers to the movie as a "picture show" rather than a film; we don't want to confuse them. I see the villain roles, President Chelsea Clinton, V.P. Michael Moore, and Ambassador bin Laden, being played by Audrey Tautou, Gerard Depardieu, and Jean Reno, respectively. Going the French route guarantees they'll be sufficiently hated by the audience.

You have to insist on getting Jason Apuzzo to direct it. His film, San Pedro, is the best movie ever made about the Gore/China conspiracy. He shouldn't be too hard to get if you can offer his wife a good "positive immigrant maid" part in the film.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to readers kiche and Tomas

Eat lead, lizard lips

Jason Apuzzo
Liberty Film Festival

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

I'm a big fan of your film, San Pedro. It's too bad there aren't more movies with similar story lines. After all, what could be more exciting than a mystery about Al Gore's ties to the Red Chinese.

I'm also excited about the work you're doing to promote conservative filmmakers. Sooner or later, the French-minded Hollywood elite are going to wake up to the fact that the public wants their politics and religion spoon fed to them in their romantic comedies and action pictures--that's the lesson we've learned from such recent blockbusters as The Village.

I think I've found the perfect script to launch this new era of conservative filmmaking. It's a screenplay by a god-fearing, conservative creationist named Jim Pinkoski. He calls it The Bank.

Here's his pitch:

The manager of the local bank is not a human being.

He is a demon, and he enjoys seeing people come in and sign for their high interest bank loans.

This demon loves money, and loves to see the pain it brings to peoples' lives when they have to default on their loans and lose their homes, etc.

Then one day FATHER TIME decides that this has gone far enough

One of the awesome visual sequences in this movie will involve something that has never been done before in a movie, a battle between angels and dinosaurs attacking Noah's Ark.

Admittedly, it needs some work. The author is one of those old-time conservative Christians who's misread what the Bible says about usury. We'll fix that by making the demon a human rights activist rather than a banker. That'll help us avoid charges of heresy from the Dobson wing of the movement.

The climactic battle at Noah's Ark between angels and dinosaurs is almost perfect as is, but I think we should give the angels grenade launchers and handheld, chain-driven machine guns with revolving barrels--our target audience loves that kind of thing. Castingwise, I see Adam Baldwin as Michael, the angel who sings hosannas while kicking dino ass, and Vincent Gallo as his sidekick, Gabriel, an angel whose love for the Lord is only surpassed by his need for a shower.

You know, this whole battle at Noah's Ark scene is so good, we should probably build the rest of the film around it. Let's make it into an allegory about the persecution of Our Leader. The people of Earth begin badmouthing God's policies, so Our Lord's most beloved angel, Karl, hatches a plan to drown every man, woman and child except Noah, a contractor who sacrifices more lambs to God than anyone else on the planet.

Yes, I think that's it. What do you think? Can I get a writing credit? When can we start?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Pharyngula has more on Mr. Pinkoski, here, here, here, and here.

Pitches

Mr and Mrs. Jason Apuzzo
Hollywood Patriots

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Apuzzo,

Mrs. Apuzzo's guest column in the LA Times made me very angry. It doesn't surprise me that Hollywood liberals are rejecting scripts written by god-fearing patriots like yourself, but one has to wonder why we haven't fought back by creating our own filmmaking infrastructure. Certainly, the Jack Abramoff produced film, Red Scorpion, proves that conservative propaganda films can be successful.

Financing shouldn't be a problem. There are millions of patriots out there who'd be very willing to kick in a few bucks if asked. A few blogathons at the Free Republic, Powerline, and Little Green Footballs should take care of it--a mention that you're current script takes on Islamo-fascism should guarantee millions from LGF, alone.

You should also ask the newly elected College Republican Chair, Paul Gourley, for fundraising advice. He raised more than 17 million as treasurer for the CRs during the last election cycle by very aggressively targeting patriots in the 80-100 years old age bracket. Certainly, his advice could prove very helpful to you.

Like I said, financing is the easy part. Picking the right film is much more difficult. While I agree that we need to see more Islamic villains on the big screen, I'm not sure your "realities of Islamo-fascism" script is the best way to go.

A large number of our leaders are in trouble right now. Perhaps we should create films that will provide them with a little help. Here are a few pitches for films that would do just that.

National Security -- A top White House aide teams up with a columnist to defend the president's honor by exposing a CIA agent and a CIA front company. Think All the President's Men with the President's men being the good guys. I see Jeff Gannon as Karl Rove and Shelly Winters as Bob Novak. Mrs. Apuzzo could play the positive immigrant maid who lets Mr. Rove's late night visitors into the White House.

Duke Cunningham, Capitalist Tool -- Rep. Duke Cunnigham rubs a flag and a lobbyist/genie appears, granting him the power to make ridiculously lucrative real estate deals. Duke uses this power to enrich himself through a series of house and boat deals and becomes a star on the conservative speakers circuit giving presentations about the rewards of hard work. Think I Dream of Jeanie crossed with Wall Street. I see Ernest Borgnine playing Duke and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who sweeps up all the cash that falls out of visiting lobbyists' pockets.

They Fight Alone -- The untold story of the brave men who proudly wear the Cheeto-stained briefs of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. In cold, damp basements across our nation, these courageous young men endure their mothers' nagging while fighting Islamo-fascism by flinging accusations of treason against Democrats. Think The Green Berets mixed with Beavis and Butthead. I see Cory Feldman as Ben Shapiro and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid Ben's mother hires to hose him down once a week.

The Passion of the Hammer -- The House Majority Leader is subjected to Gitmo interrogation techniques and then crucified by an activist judge who refuses to acknowledge the vital role that graft plays in a democratic society. Think The Passion of the Christ meets The Godfather. I see Randall Terry making his acting debut as Rep. DeLay and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who the Majority Leader receives as a gift from a contributor in Saipan.

Triumph of the Will II -- A documentary about Our Leader's next speech to the National Religious Broadcasters' Convention. Think the original Triumph of the Will except in English. Mrs. Apuzzo, working as a positive immigrantesqe maid cleaning up at the convention, will be derided from the podium for working outside of the home.

Well, that's a start. Please don't hesitate to write me if you need more help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot