On the Sixth Day, God Created the Trumpet

Sherry Melby

Teacher, Sedalia School District #200
Band parent, Smith-Cotton High School Band

cc: Bradley Pollitt
Assistant Superintendent
Sedalia School District #200

Dear Mrs. Melby,

Kudos to you for opposing the Smith-Cotton High School Band t-shirt which featured Dawinunistofascist imagery. I'm in total agreement with your statement that you "don't think evolution should be associated with our school." Indeed, it shouldn't be associated with any school as far as I'm concerned.

It's refreshing to find a school teacher who's so committed to reviving ancient suspicions about science. Things like evolution, heliocentrism, and plate tectonics cause our children to question the literal truths found in our Holy Bible, and should, therefore, have no place in our academies of learning. I long for the day to return when teachers, like yourself, instruct our children to hide under their desks until a solar eclipse passes, least they be struck down by the angry God who took the sun away. I hope you're doing that.

As for the band t-shirts, I fear that simply destroying them is not enough. You need to do something about the philosophy behind them: this "brass evolution" idea that somehow "brass instruments have evolved in music from the 1960s to modern day." The band students need to hear the truth. They need someone like you to stand up in front of them and say, "On the sixth day, God created the trumpet," and then tell the story about how the trumpet was lonely, so God created a coronet out of its spit valve to be its companion. And then how Satan, taking the form of a french horn, got them thrown out of Mr. Jehovah's band class for stuffing those mute cone things in their bell holes.

Only then, can we be certain of our children's salvation.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-mute-cone-stuffing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Bill Nye the Science Guy insults God and Texas

We teabagger-Americans have put up with a lot--jokes about grenade sucking, comments about the intelligence of someone who supports Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, homosexual teletubbies, sushi--but, by God, we don't need no fancy Seattle science guy coming down to our national homeland, The Republic of Texas, and tellin' us the moon ain't Jesus' light bulb.

Yep, you heard me right. Bill Nye came down to Texas and blasphemed the Lord God of Abraham by claiming the moon does not have it's own light source; it merely reflects the sun.

Here's an eyewitness report:

The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights - the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.

“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.

Yes, we believe in God, Mr. Nye, and you're just damned lucky we didn't follow the prophet Elisha's example and have God send a couple of she-bears to eat your secular ass.

Amazon Review: Perfect Proofs Without Extra Sauce

Woooooo hoooooo! My Amazon review of Ray Comfort's You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence, But You Can't Make Him Think: Answers to Questions from Angry Skeptics. is up. As a great man once almost said, "I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book selling thing everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name on the internets tubes - that makes people. I'm digital! Things are going to start happening to me now."

Please vote for my comment so it becomes featured.

 Perfect Proofs Without Extra Sauce, February 18, 2009

By Gen. JC Christian, patriot(Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

Dr. Comfort's book is amazing. It may be the best primer for defeating an atheist I've ever read. I'm particularly fond of how he proves the existence of God by pointing out the perfection of the banana and the fact that the atmosphere is 78.09% nitrogen and 20.95% oxygen--"the exact mixture that his [Adam's] lungs and blood needed to survive."

Take that atheists!

My only disappointment with the proofs provided in this book is that my favorite, Eve, isn't listed among them. Evolution could have made her look like anything at all--like Rush Limbaugh, a big hairy wookie, or a naked mole rat for example. There's no way Adam would have tapped that. Instead, God chose to fashion one of Adam's ribs into something soft, curvy, beautiful, and desirable (Yes, he did make that little sailor in the boat impossible to find, but that's only because you're not supposed to touch it).

God did that. He made women attractive to men, so we'd want to procreate with them rather than watermelons or sheep or something else. And even more importantly, he knew when to stop. No barbeque on these ribs, because God doesn't want us to be always tasting them.

Isn't it time for the schools to address miraculous visitations?

I posted this to Steve Gilliard's blog a couple of days ago.

Sen. Raymond Finney
Tennessee State Senate

Dear Sen. Finney,

Although I'm a huge fan of what you do in the Senate, I'm a little disappointed that you chose to announce your creationism resolution via a press release rather than on your blog. That's a shame, because I think it's one of the finest legislator blogs on all the internets tubes.

That said, I'm thrilled by your resolution. It's about time someone forced the Tennessee Department of Education to tell us whether they officially believe in God or not. Now the Department has to take a stand. The series of questions you ask in the resolution leaves them no other choice. The questions are absolutely inspired:

• Is the universe and all that is within it, including human beings, created through purposeful, intelligent design by a Supreme Being, that is a Creator?
• Since the universe, including human beings, is created by a supreme being (a creator), why is creationism not taught in Tennessee public schools?
• Since it cannot be determined whether the universe, including human beings, is created by a supreme being (a creator), why is creationism not taught as an alternative concept, explanation, or theory, along with the theory of evolution in Tennessee public schools?

I'm wondering if the same strategy could be employed to force the Department to take a stand on other faith-based theories. I'm particularly interested in miraculous visitation (Christ on a knish or the Virgin Mary on a bicycle seat--that kind of thing).

You see, I have a bunion that looks exactly like Saint Christina the Astonishing. People laugh at me and call me crazy when I tell them about it, and they get angry and disgusted when I try to show it to them. I'm tired of the abuse, but I know it stems from ignorance. That's why I'm hoping you can help me out by filing a resolution. Hopefully, it'll convince the Department of Education to put both miraculous visitation and creationism into their science curriculum.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot