She may no longer be with us, but Minnie Pearl, the Mariah Carey of the militias, lives on in the Homeland Security Award ("Minnie") I've created to memorialize her. Minnies are awarded for acts that strengthen our ability to beat off terrorists...hmm...uhh, yes, we give it to folks who do things that make our great nation safer. I should also note that the fact that I named this award after a beautiful woman proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not a homosexual. I don't think I can stress that enough.
Today's award goes to US Department of Energy mega-contractor Washington Group International for creating the Barrel Lock. You see, low-level nuclear waste and transuranic (radioactive waste with fatter atom thingies than those uraniums) waste is stored in ordinary 55 gallon drums. The Barrel Lock is clamped like Mick Jagger's lips onto the lids of these drums so that they can't be opened and their contents used to make "dirty bombs". Each lock comes equipped with a gps system and satellite data transmitter so that the owner can track the barrel's location, temperature, and condition. No price is given, but I suspect each unit can't cost more than a few thousand dollars.
The real beauty of the Barrel Lock, however, is the psychology behind it. The developers know our enemy. They understand that since Muslims are foreigners like the French, they don't have the intelligence to just quickly open the barrels by cutting though the bottom or sides with an acetylene torch. It's government contractor thinking at it's finest. I hear that the Department of Energy's 2004 budget will shift even more of its work to contractors. Privatization is great, isn't it. It's God's work.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.