Jesus' General

Judge makes ruling consigning children to Hell

Arkansas judge Jimmy Larry Hendren told God to kiss his behind when he ordered the Cedarville School District to put Harry Potter books back on school library shelves. The books had been removed from general circulation at the request of good God-fearing people who objected to the occult nature of the Harry Potter series. By issuing the decision, Judge Jimmy Larry -- how can someone with such a fine conservative Christian name be so evil -- basically consigned the children of that school district to Hell.

I know just how evil this Harry Potter business is from my own personal experience. I don't hold much truck with reading, but I do like to go to the picture show. That's where I saw a Harry Potter movie. It was all about the occult. All of the major characters are witches and wizards and such. That's bad enough in itself, but even worse, the movie bewitches viewers. That's what happened to me.

There is this one part in the movie where a troll gets into Harry Potter's school. This troll was big and ugly and carried a huge club. The club was kind of long and thick and it kind of reminded me of a man's "little soldier" -- that was how Satan bewitched the movie. He made it so that you get thinking about men's thingies while you're watching it.

Anyway, Satan got me to thinking about how the club was kind of like a man's "private johnson," and that kind of got me thinking that the troll probably has a mighty big dingus, himself. I mean he was a huge guy. It was probably a foot and a half long. Before you knew it, my own crippled little soldier was standing at attention -- something that happens very rarely since Klinton's goons tried to implant transmitters in my behind while I was in tax prison.

Well, Satan worked on me and before long, I had my hand down my pants working old Buford like all get on while watching this troll in the picture show. The widow Nelson saw what I was doing and ran off and got the manager. He got there just as I was yelling the Lord's name in a moment of ecstatic weakness. He escorted me up to his office where he and a couple of ticket takers beat the living hell out of me and called me a pervert. I tried to explain that it was Harry Potter's fault but that just made them angrier.

I was happy when the cops finally showed up because even if I went to jail, the beating was going to end. I was wrong. The cops joined right in.

It was the worst night of my life, and it was all Harry Potter's fault. Those stories take control of the mind. There is nothing you can do to stop it. That's why we have to keep the books and movies away from folks.