Jesus' General

Flag retirement ceremony

Saturday was Flag Day. I celebrated it like I do every year by holding a flag retirement ceremony. It's a very solemn occasion. Flags that have touched the ground or have otherwise been defiled are put to sleep by burning.

The flag I retired was taken from a filthy protester who was demonstrating against Our Leader's policies. The fact that she used the flag for such purposes was insult enough, but she also sullied it as we tore the flag from her ancient arthritic hands. Struggling, she lost her balance and tripped over her walker, taking our nations symbol with her to the ground, staining it with her treacherous blood. I saved the flag until Flag Day, so that I could use it in our retirement ceremony.

In preparation, we built a shrine upon which we placed Our Leader's portrait wrapped within the flag. It laid there, in state, for six weeks so that patriots could pay their last respects. Many came. They prayed. They wept. They said goodbye to this mighty symbol of freedom.

Flag Day began with Colonel Cleetus doing a solemn karaoke rendition of Lee Greenwood's "I'm Proud to be an American." There wasn't a dry eye in the compound when he finished. We then recited the Pledge of Allegiance and the Oath of Fidelity to Our Leader. I can't tell you how much the Oath always seems to move me. I just know that it gives Our Leader a boost in these troubling times.

Next came the blood purification ritual. Each man cut himself and let his blood flow down onto the flag. Our blood counteracted that of the protestor and served as a reminder of what our flag has meant to so many in the world over the years.

The ceremony was finished with the burning of the flag. This is always the hardest part. The Flag Code calls for retired flags to be burned, but it's very difficult to watch. Over the years, we've learned that we have to draw lots to decide who gets the honor of actually doing the deed. Once it is done, the rest of us beat the crap out of him for burning the flag. We just can't help ourselves. That part of the ceremony needs a little work.