Jesus' General

Sammy and the Clenis™

Private CW Parts writes:

General Christian, sir, I want to speak to you regarding a topic which is of grave concern -- and that is the most recent appearance of The Clenis (TM). As usual, the liberal media are their usual wishy-washy, sissy self in ignoring it! And as always, it threatens us!

The other day I started hearing about a man named Sammy Sosa who is a baseball player but sadly not American. Now, when I first saw this man, I immediately noticed the way he stands firm with his strong legs wide apart, and then thrusts his long hard black bat back and forth in attempt to drive home man after man after man. Several hours later, when I stopped noticing this, I realized that people were concerned about cork in his bat. This Sosa character is of the foreign persuasion, so I had no reason to believe him. (BTW, I think he's French, and black!) He was going on and on about mistakes he'd made and I was laughing at the funny way he said words and then was thinking that we should deport him back to wherever he came from mostly for not speaking English good.

Well, I am a righteous American (SWGFCM - Single White God-Fearing Christian Male - in case you were wondering) and know what I know and I know that as they showed that video over and over, I came to the chilling realization that that was no cork, but The Clenis (TM)! Now this Sosa, being foreign, was therefore simple and naive to the ways of The Clenis (TM), which must have risen up like a crafty slick cobra and mesmerized him as he was adjusting himself and sucking on a wad of tobacco. Sosa must have seen this long wood and thought to himself, "I must have that piece in my hand." (I have pictured this scenario many times since yesterday and have drawn pictures as well that I would like to share with you sometime.) He had no choice by to grab it and rub it up and down and then take his strokes.

Now, there are two sad parts to this incident. One, the liberal press is again ignoring the seductive and destructive power of The Clenis (TM). Two, The Clenis (TM) is clearly at work to destroy the great American game of baseball -- perhaps leading to such commie abominations at 2-hour games and tickets under $30. And third, the saddest part of this is that this strong young man has been humiliated, and so has, by association, his former owner -- Our Leader. You see, I heard that Our Leader once owned this Sosa character when he was in Arlington, TX (part of the Metroplex - the great bulge beneath the Bible Belt, I like to say!). But I believe Our Leader in his wisdom, after this Sosa had worked in the field for him for several years, swapped him for another man of equal value. (By the way, I inquired into purchasing this Sosa character to work in my field, but I understand that he is too expensive.)

Well, I don't need to tell you what this all means!

So, in conclusion, General Christian, I want to tell you that I am a strong and able young Private, endowed with the manhood and stamina you require to grasp The Clenis (TM) and squeeze it until we are sweaty and spent and The Chenis (TM) is merely a limp quivering mass unable to destroy more virile young men like this Sosa. I understand that you are my Superior and that I should be punished harshly for addressing you so informally. (I willingly will submit to whatever is due me.) But your writing has aroused and excited me so many times, I had to speak.

In Our Leader's grip,
Private C.W. Parts

I followed up on your information, and I learned that Rep. Tom Delay (R - Nuremburg) had ordered the Emergency Terrorism Response Team to X-ray the bats Sosa used on his way to breaking the home run record. Unfortunately, Rep. Delay found that the bats had indeed been enhanced by the Clenis™ (see x-ray below). Is nothing sacred? Must the Clenis™ corrupt all that is good in America?

Thank you for alerting me to this. I like the cut of your jib, soldier. Do you ever dress up like a gladiator?