Jesus' General

Open Letter to Tom Tomorrow

Dear Mr. Tomorrow,

I see that Citizen Smash is angry at you for publishing a cartoon about chickenhawk warbloggers. I don't blame him. I was offended by the cartoon too.

I supported Our Leader's decision to go war against Iraqistan. Those people may not have possessed weapons of mass destruction, but they are very different from us. They don't believe in Jesus. They go to church on Friday night. They don't eat bacon cheese burgers. They don't even speak English. God made a "fear of difference" a part of human nature. He has a reason for doing this. They must be bad people.

I would probably be what you would call a "chickenhawk." I take offense at that characterization. Although, I've never served in the official military, I command a militia. Sure. it's a tough job. It's also a very important one. I may not be risking my life everyday in a place like Baghdad, but I'm subject to all kinds of daily ridicule as I defend the old red, white, and blue.

People think I look ridiculous because I wear camouflage all of the time. They giggle and make comments about how it doesn't quite cover up my belly. They don't understand about the fine line I walk as a militia commander. I have to wear the camouflage to show the people that we are here to defend them when the NWO's armored divisions begin rolling out of Vancouver, BC. At the same time, I also need to blend in so that ATF or IRS agents can't detain me in a time for crisis. That's why I've worked so hard to maintain a substantial beer belly.

It's easy for you to sit there in New York City and poke fun at what patriots like myself are doing, but I don't think you understand the damage you're doing. My mother showed me your cartoon and told me that perhaps I should get away from the computer and do something "good" like mow the lawn or take a shower. She doesn't understand how vital my postings to my blog, usenet, and other blogger's comment sections are to our nation's security. To hell with shaving, I'm saving my country.

I expect a retraction, an apology, and a note to my mother explaining the important role people like me play in the defense of our country.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot