Jesus' General

How I saved five men from the fires of hell with nothing more than a fistful of serpents

Last Monday, Our Leader commanded Congress to pass legislation to allow funding for faith-based programs in prisons. It was a wise move. These programs work. I know, because I ran a faith-based program that has been 80% successful. That figure may rise to 100%, once my brother in Jesus, "Runt," completes his parole.

It was only a pilot program, run by myself and Brother Elvis, a lay preacher who serves as my militia chaplain. Since it was a test, we started out small with only five prisoners. We picked people who hung out together in the same club--they called it the Brotherhood--so that we could get right to work without having to set aside time for the prisoners to get comfortable with each other. They were a tight bunch who liked to be called by their nicknames, Wolf, Berserker, The Hammer, Runt, and Viking.

We planned on doing ten three-day sessions, but we found that we only needed one. We fasted and prayed the first two days. It was tough. They didn't like being hungry. At one point I had to make Berserker vomit up Runt's tongue. They made it through it though. God bless them.

By the third day, the depravation of the fast had put them in the proper spiritual state for worship. We begin playing old timey worship music on our boom box at full volume. Soon, we were all dancing and praying and speaking in tongues--except Runt, of course.

We asked them if they were ready to accept Jesus into their hearts and become our brothers in Christ. In unison, they babbled "yes," each using a different dialect of the language of Adam. It was then that Brother Elvis brought out the serpents as the bible commands. Quoting Mark 16:18, Brother Elvis said"They shall take up serpents."

Our new brothers stopped dancing and grew silent.

"They will not harm you if you have faith," he continued, "come, each of you, and grab hold of a serpent."

Berserker, pushing Runt forward, shouted, "he'll go first."

Brother Elvis quickly placed the biggest diamondback into Runt's tattooed hands. The serpent rattled and hissed, but did not strike. Runt's faith protected him as he stood their frozen, silently screaming and staring into the diamondback's obsidian eyes.

Seeing this, Viking and Wolf each reached for a copperhead but were bitten immediately. The hungry Berserker had already grabbed a cottonmouth and was trying to bite it when it struck, sinking it's fangs into his knife-scarred face.

Viking tore the serpent from his arm and threw it across the room where it sank it fangs into the prostrate body of The Hammer, who had collapsed in a feint the moment Runt touched the diamondback.

All we could do now was pray. We asked Jesus to bring them back if it was his will. He heard our prayers, but decided to give them an early graduation. They are no longer in prison. They passed the program and are in a better place. As brothers in Christ, they barter smokes with Jesus now.

Our Lord and Savior was not as kind to Runt. Our last surviving brother had to wait for graduation; however, his wait was not long. The parole board released him in exchange for a promise that he'd never speak about the serpents to anyone.

I suspect that the men on the parole board were secular humanists or Catholics or Mormons or some other non-Christians. They don't want the world to know about our success. Fortunately, it is too late. Our Leader knows what a good faith-based program can do. I doubt I'll have any trouble getting more funding.