Mr. Mel Karmazin, CEO
Viacom
Dear Mr. Karmazin,
I've received reports that two of your employees, Andy Rooney and Howard Stern, are in league with Lucifer. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but these reports come from men I trust without question.
Last Sunday, a demon pretending to be God used Andy Rooney to attack Mel Gibson during CBS's 60 Minutes. A stronger, more spiritual man, would not have been tricked in this way, but Rooney--a Frenchman who undoubtedly participates in acts so depraved I dare not write them down--was fooled by the Deceiver.
Dr. James Dobson described Rooney's blasphemy in a letter he sent to me yesterday:
Andy Rooney, the curmudgeonly "60 Minutes" essayist, called Mel Gibson a "wacko" Sunday -- and he did it while mockingly pretending to be God.
The subject of Rooney's show-closing segment was, in part, a statement Gibson made while producing and directing his new film "The Passion of the Christ. "The Holy Spirit," Gibson was quoted as saying, "was working through me."
Rooney sought to refute that notion by pretending to speak on-air as God.
"As far as Mel Gibson goes, I haven't seen his movie, 'The Passion of the Christ,' because it hasn't opened up here yet," Rooney, as God, said. " . . . Mel is a real nut case. What in the world was I thinking when I created him? Listen, we all make mistakes."
"Wacko"...that's what he called Gibson, the man who today gave us a 126 minute celebration of non-stop blood-spattered torture in Technicolor and Dolby Stereo Digital. Such name calling borders on blasphemy as far as I'm concerned.
Stern's sick on-air utterings were even worse according to an email sent to me by Rev. Donald Wildmon. "This week," wrote the Reverend, "Howard Stern violated a direct order by Karmazin when he broadcast vile and indecent programming on his radio show."
A look at the show's transcript reveals that Wildmon was understating the seriousness of the violation. Not only was it vile and indecent, it was also Democrat. I'm talking about unnatural acts of a Klintonian bent. Acts no Republican would perform or even contemplate.
I'll spare you a quote from the transcript. Let's just say that he talked about putting his little soldier in places other than a lady's holy receptacle of procreation.
Mr. Karmazin, you need to do something about this. I suggest spanking. If you videotape it for broadcast, FCC Chair Powell might ease up a bit on you. After all, there's no value more traditional than a good bare-bottomed whooping.
Heterosexually yours.
Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.