Jesus' General

How to make Our Leader look less simple minded

Letter to RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie, the White House, and Bush/Cheney 2004.

Dear Sirs,

I'm very upset about the President's appearance on Meet the Press yesterday. He looked like a blithering idiot. What were you thinking?

I know things haven't been going well for the President lately, and we needed something to give us a bump, but couldn't you think of something better than a television interview. What the hell did you expect?

I'm sure someone there is saying that you just need to get him a softer interview with someone like Larry King. If so, fire that bastard. The President isn't up to that--the shiny suspender buckles will throw him for sure.

Now, I'm a supporter of the President. I think he's the greatest President who ever assumed office in this whole century, but you've got to admit that he makes his brother, Neil, look like Stephen Hawking. That's not a criticism. You don't have to be smart to be a great leader. Our greatest president is proof of that.

I think I have an idea about how to turn this all around. We need to get him onto a game show. I'm thinking "Jeopardy," because the questions are really tough. Yes, I know that asking tough questions might pose a problem, but I think we can have Mr. Powell from the FCC give the "Jeopardy" folks a call asking them for special categories like these:

First Round:

• "Questions where all the answers are 'We captured Saddam while he was hiding in a spider hole.'"


• "Reason's we went to war." (The beauty of this one is that every answer is right)


• "Famous people named Bush"


• "He's to blame for all of today's problems" (Every answer is "Clinton.")


• "Houston area whorehouses and bars in the 1980's"

Double Jeopardy:

• "Words that sound 'down-homey.'"


• "Excuses for being AWOL."


• "Things that are good to pollute."


• "Reasons to replace our intelligence agencies with Ahmed Chalabi"


• "Intelligence agents whose husbands have pissed me off"

Final Jeopardy:

• "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"

These are just preliminary ideas. We can rework them if you think they're too difficult.

Let me know if I can do anything more.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot