Jesus' General

I am Our Leader's wingman

After seeing the examples set by great Americans like William Campenni and John B Calhoun, I've decided to step forward to rebut another lie being spread by the French about Our Leader. I'm talking about his alleged involvement in an illegal abortion. I know for a fact that it isn't true.

You see, I've spent nearly every day of the last forty years at Our Leader's side. I'm not lying here. You have to trust me. He calls me his "wingman. "

I was with him on the nights he shared his little soldier with that woman. Indeed, I dressed his private johnson in it's protective latex bio-gear so that he could thrust it deep into the dark, dangerous recesses of the lady's womanhood without fear.

I then sat backed and watched his face for signs--the signs that signaled an imminent firing--his eyes turning up in their sockets until all you could see were the whites and a twitching in his lower lip that slowly formed into that smirk we've all grown to love. As his mother use to tell me, we couldn't take any chances, so when I saw these signals, I'd separate him from his object of affection and finish him off myself in the most heterosexual manner possible. It was a nasty job, but I felt it was my duty as his wingman to see to his safety. I took my responsibilities very seriously.

As you can see, there is no way he could have gotten anyone pregnant. Heck, the twins wouldn't have been conceived had Laura not hit me in the face with one of the empty whiskey bottles that were lying around the bed. No pre-marital pregnancy. No illegal abortion.

Like I said, I've been with him almost constantly for four decades. During that time. I never saw him use cocaine, nor did I see him with Ken Lay. I did, however watch him bravely flying National Guard combat missions over the shark infested waters of the Gulf of Mexico, and I heard him tell his aides that they had to be careful to keep Valerie Plame's work as a CIA agent secret.

In all of those years, I only left his side 6 times. Once to go duck hunting with Dick Cheney and Tony Scalia at an oil industry hunting reserve--they never mentioned the industry's legal problems during the whole trip--and five times to go to Austin to watch Governor Rick Perry engage in monogamous heterosexual marital love-making with his wife. She's a woman, you know.

I think that settles just about everything. Our Leader has nothing to hide.