Jesus' General

It's time for good news about Iraq

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Once again, I find myself writing you about the lack of good news stories coming out of Iraq. Today, all we heard was terrible news. "Iraqi uprising intensifying." "Insurgents take several towns." "Twelve killed yesterday." Every story was like that. Sooner or later, all this negativity is going to effect people's perception of the war. We can't afford that.

I know there are good stories to be told out there. Aren't there any Iraqis who've reduced their belt sizes two notches by using the South Beach Diet? What does Ali al-Sistani think about the Mariners chances this year? How about Ahmad Chalabi's cat? Have you done a feature on it yet? There's three positive stories right there--well, maybe not the Mariners piece, but you know what I mean.

Certainly, you can think of a few more to tide you over until Iraq news gets crowded out by the next abduction of a white woman. There's also Preemption House. I haven't head back from you on that one yet. I hope you're considering it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot.