Jesus' General

Modeling manliness for prodigal penguins

Dear Mr. Terry,

I was very moved by your recent article, My prodigal son, the homosexual. I too have lost loved ones to the seductive trumpeting of a man's "little bugler."

I first met Julio and Fabio while I was vacationing at a New Zealand sheep ranch. It was a rough time for me. I was heartbroken over a shattered romance that had resulted in a severe beating at the hands of several shepherds a couple of nights before. I hadn't left my room since. I just sat there fondling my lonely shears and staring at my loveless shepherd's crook through tear-filled eyes.

I knew I had to get away, so I jumped on my bike and peddled aimlessly for what seemed like hours. Eventually, I ended up in front of the penguin enclosure at Kelly Tarlton's Wildlife Park. That's where I met two large, but friendly, king penguins named Julio and Fabio.

We had a great summer together. Every morning, I'd show up with herring to feed them while I decried the treachery of the wooly sex. My penguin freinds were patient listeners and by the end of our days together, my wounds had healed.

Looking back on that time, I now realize that I had let them down. You see, their keeper was a slight, long-haired man who always wore spandex shorts. His bulge was tremendous and had an almost hypnotic quality to it. I must admit that it caused me to think impure thoughts on many occassions, and I'm certain that it had the same effect on Julio and Fabio.

I now wish that I had warned them about that bulge's magic, because today, I learned that they've fallen under the spell of the demon of homosexuality. However, it may not be too late to help them, because according to The Auklander, "they don't actually bonk."

That's where you come in. I'm thinking that we could go down to New Zealand together, along with your son, and model manly behavior for these victims of Satan's lust. A few weeks of scratching, spitting, and arm punching may be all that's needed to turn them around.

I think it's worth a shot. I hope you'll join me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot