Asking Mr. Crank for courting advice.

Dear Mr. Crank,

I found your story about how you arranged your son's marriage both refreshing and disturbing. Refreshing because it's good to see that there are still a few people who believe that parents are responsible for picking their children's mates, and disturbing, because your son, Samuel, didn't consider courting a young lady until he was twenty-six years old. Fortunately, I later found the web page about your family and learned that Samuel had sired a man-child. That put all of my fears to rest.

I too have a boy. He is now six years old. For security reasons, I can't tell you too much about him--I have reason to believe that the Klintons, as did Herod before them, may try to cause him harm. I will, however, say that his birth was a miracle. He was conceived years after my little soldier received a medical discharge and was no longer able to perform his procreational duties. Strangely, he only stands at attention at inconvenient times like when I'm watching wrestling or movies about gladiators or Greek warriors--I think that's the military man in me. Any way, it was an immaculate conception. There's no other possible explanation for it.

We're going to home school young Jesus--we tell everyone we named him after our plumber, Mr. Martinez, who is very fond of the boy (for some reason, my wife always giggles when we tell people that)--and isolate him completely from secular society, much like you have with your own children. I think this will keep him from developing any unapproved relationships.

That brings me to my questions for you. How early should we start thinking about arranging a courtship for him? Should we begin interviewing families now? Is it a good idea to expose him to his intended at a young age? Would you and your family be interested in visiting with us and our son?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot