Pastor General Ashcroft's hands-on approach to the scourge of masturbation

Apart from widow marriage, masturbation is one the gravest threats our nation faces. Even as I write these words, thousands of Spermatazoan-Americans are meeting horrible, lingering deaths in anonymous tube socks across the land.

The thought of so many helpless proto-Christians suffering never fails to brings tears to the eyes of Pastor General John Ashcroft. Now he's doing something about it. According to the blog, Blondesense, he's implementing a program which will neutralize one of masturbation's principle drivers, pornography.

"We'd like to model our society after the Saudi society and require all women to be covered up at all times when outside of their respective homes," Ashcroft claimed. "This will create jobs, he explained, "as young christian men will be hired right out of college to view and censor all printed material, photographs, videos and internet sites for anything sexual in nature."

Mr Ashcroft will then be called in to view said pornography and will make the final assessment before any material can be accessed by the public.

Let us pray that he'll keep his hands in plain view at all times.