The problem with "widow marriage"

Dear Dr. Dobson,

I can't tell you how happy I was when I heard you on Hannity & Colmes discussing your concerns about homosexual marriage. The following statement, in particular, brought great joy to my heart:

...you could have polygamy. You could have incest. You could have marriage between a father and a daughter. You could have two widows, or two sisters or two brothers.

You're the first Christian leader who I've heard address the problem of widow marriage. Thank you for doing so.

Unfortunately, I don't think people see the threat that widow marriage poses to the traditional family. It's a threat greater than that we face from homosexual marriage in general.

You see, widow women are experienced women. They know what it's like to know a man in a biblical sense. They are also privy to the secret all married women share--sex with a man is never enjoyable. It's true. I've been told this by every woman with whom I've shared my passion--yes, I sinned often in my younger days, but I've asked for and received our Lord's forgiveness.

Widows who marry each other are making a statement. They're exposing the married woman's secret and telling the world that we're just not all that good when it comes to lovemaking. We need to prevent that from happening. Otherwise, we might as well store our essence in mason jars, because that'll be the only place left for us to put it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC. Christian, patriot

P.S. I already keep mine in mason jars because I oppose the killing of Spermatazoan-Americans, but that's a different battle. You know what point I'm getting at here.