Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, June 14, 2004

Congressman Conehead

Dear Rep. Rehberg,

I want to congratulate you on your efforts to bring Western culture to the people of Kazakhstan. I'm sure your hosts enjoyed your demonstration of the similarities between the Coneheads and the Kazahk native dress.

We can all learn something from your trip. The alien-like beeps you made did not have to be translated--art is a universal language, understood by all. It's a lesson our State Department should take to heart.

I hope the rumors of your constant drunkenness while in Kazakhstan haven't upset you. My guess is that a jealous cultural attache is behind them. I suppose that it's easier for some to slander their betters than it is to learn to do a killer Conehead impersonation.

My advice would be to ignore the rumors unless it starts to look like they might damage you politically. If that happens, just tell them you have an Oxycontin addiction--it worked for Rush.

Good luck. I hope you're working on Belushi's samurai and Killer Bee routines in case you visit Japan or Mexico.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.