Dear Sen. Allen,
On the surface, the Jack Ryan scandal looks like a simple case of a man taking his wife to sex clubs and then pressuring her to have sex with him while everyone else watches, but I think there is more to this story.
Ryan is a very bright guy. He saw the lavender menace infiltrating the centers of power in our country. He knew that the day was coming soon when there would be a great political battle fought between the forces of heterosexuality and homosexuality.
Ryan wanted to fight in that battle as a Senator. Given the direction society was heading, he worked quickly to establish his heterosexual bona fides. That's why he pressured his wife to have sex with him in front of an audience.
I wish other Senate candidates should do the same. That way, we could ensure that we're not electing Senators with dual loyalties as we consider the Homosexual Discrimination Constitutional Amendment.
As the Chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, you can make this happen by funding 30 second spots featuring Republican Senatorial candidates having sex with women. Now, thirty seconds may seem like a long time to be having sex, but you could put two Senators in each spot and then use the remaining time to discuss budget policy.
I can almost see the ads now. Arlen Specter squealing like Ben Shapiro at an Ayn Rand convention as his little soldier traces the path of Oswald's magic bullet, Sam Brownback, still and silent, lying atop his wife, reverently waiting for our Lord and Savior to command the Senatorial seed to implant itself, and in a future election cycle, Trent Lott, huffing, puffing, and groaning while his man-wig dances on his head to a jackrabbit-on-crack rhythm.
Maybe you can even get Ken Starr to do the play-by-play.
Please give it some thought and don't hesitate to give me a ring if you need any help.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.