Hot Lebanese action

Dear Sen. Santorum*,

As I was using a public restroom today, it occurred to me that your Homosexual Discrimination Amendment doesn't go far enough. You see, I'm always worried that homosexuals might be watching me when I'm relieving myself in these places. I'll often check out the guys standing at the urinals on either side of me to see if their little soldiers are standing at attention. That way I'll know if they're having impure thoughts about me.

Of course, being a very manly type of guy, myself, the sight of another man's private johnson gets my competitive juices going, and I have to prove that mine is bigger--you know how it is with real men like us; we can't help it.

This kind of competition is a problem for me. You see, I never fell for that size myth the feminazis are always pushing, and because of this, I must be the only man alive who hasn't used some king of penis enhancement device. That means that I always have the puniest little soldier on the urinal line. There's nothing wrong with me; I'm normal size, It's just that I haven't used artificial means to bulk up in that area. Honestly, that's the truth. I'm normal sized, dammit.

When I see that I can't compete with my urinal neighbors, I begin to tug on my little soldier in an effort to stretch him out a bit. This tugging, combined with my obvious glances at their little soldiers, often provides the men next to me with the wrong impression, and I'm accused of being a homosexual. Of course I'm not a homosexual. In fact, I hate their wicked lifestyle so much that I spend every waking minute thinking about them performing their wicked, wicked acts. My hope is that if I think about it enough, I'll come up with a plan to end this wickedness.

A homosexual wouldn't do that unless he despised himself for constantly thinking about homosexual sex and then redirected that self-loathing into an intense need to persecute homosexuals in order to prove his heterosexuality to himself and to the world. But that isn't why I do it. When Satan puts those kinds of thoughts in my head, I ask God to forgive me and then I pay a man to spank me for being bad. A homosexual wouldn't do that.

Anyway, we have to put an end to these mistaken impressions about me. That's why I'm asking you to add a provision for separate restrooms for homosexuals. Such segregation will prevent these misunderstandings in the future.

Heck, you might as well go for separate water fountains while you're at it. The very thought that a homosexual may have placed his lips and tongue on the same stream of water I'm using causes me to have strange and often impure thoughts. It would be best if we segregated them too.

I also hope that you're not forgetting the ladies in this amendment. I just learned that they can be homosexuals too. I've always thought that was an urban legend because everybody knows ladies don't have little soldiers, but I learned the truth when I picked up a video called Hot Lebanese Action.

I though it was a movie about our war on Islam, but it wasn't. It was a video of naked homosexual women putting their mouths on each other's naughty place. I think they might have been biting each other given all the squirming, moaning, and screaming that was going on. It sure didn't look like they were enjoying it to me. I know my wife never acted that way when we performed our marital duty.

Well, give it some thought as you're debating the amendment.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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