Commies

Dear Speaker Perzel,

Thank you for risking the wrath of the Red Menace by accusing your opponent of being a communist. That took a lot of courage. You are to be commended for it.

Hopefully, your exposure of this Bolshevik will stop the reds from doing to the people of Pennsylvania what they did to me and my neighbors in Tremonton, Utah. You see, about 30 years ago, a group of communists moved into my hometown and started fluoridating in the water. They said that it would be good for our teeth, but in truth, it had another, more sinister, effect on us--one that changed our relationships with our wives forever.

It was a few months after we started drinking the water when I first started to notice the problem. It was a Sunday afternoon. Mrs. Christian and I were preparing to engage in our bi-monthly procreational duties. I had just started to undo my zipper, and BAM, my little soldier unloaded his magazine. Two months later, we tried again, and the same thing happened. What once had taken two or three long minutes, now occurred in seconds and it became nearly impossible for me to do my marital duties.

Since then, I've forsaken water for Kool-Aid--green, of course--but it hasn't helped. Nothing has.

Your constituents are lucky. They have a Speaker with the courage to stand up to these commies and defend their right to ejaculate at their leisure. I hope they appreciate the gift you've given them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot